And so here's where the story ends.......

It's taken me ages to find time to finish off my blog mostly as Lee has been away loads since Katie was born and also because I'm still trying to find my feet.

So it's hard to believe Katie is 9 weeks old on Thursday. Time is just flying in and she is getting so big now weighing 9lb 12oz and her wee personality is starting to shine through.

I'll start from the beginning well from when she was born. So we had to stay in hospital for one night and I will admit this was so over whelming and daunting to me I just didn't know what I was supposed to do with her so I literally just sat and looked at her for hours. When it came to feeding I felt so alone, they just presumed I would be breast feeding not once did anyone ask me so there I was sat in my cubicle with not a clue how I was going to do this it took me all my time to press the button for someone to come and help me and finally I did and I got some help but from then on it just wasn't an easy task. 

Once we got home it was non stop for two whole weeks it actually got to much with people coming and going and I felt like we never got a chance to just stop, take it all in and be a family. As much as I appreciated all the people wanting to meet her and see her and hold her I would have liked to have just had some time for myself to heal and feel better and get used to having a baby in the house. The minute I got home from hospital I had to slap on a smile even though I was in agony and just wanted to lie down.

The god send was having my mum there to help out she was amazing making sure the house was tidy and the washings were done and the furbabies were looked after I always said I wouldn't want anyone there for more than a day but I could never have done it on my own so I'm glad she stuck around for a while and Lee and I will always be grateful for the support.

After having a baby comes the massive amounts of hormones and the baby blues, it does happen when you think you should be full of joy and happiness that's not always the case. I found it really hard adjusting to this new life, I was constantly putting myself down and worrying I wasn't doing this right and to be honest I think what made it a million times worse was the pressure I was under to continue breast feeding. It got to the point where I hated it, I dreaded feeding my baby because I knew it was going to hurt, I couldn't find a comfortable position, she would loose latch and I would just get so upset and angry at myself I cried so much about it. We finally started to combi feed but still when it came to me feeding her I just didn't want to do it. I ended up calling the health visitor out to try and help me but she couldn't really all I was advised was to go to a support group but that just isn't me I don't do groups never mind boob groups! So I persevered and kept trying and at times where it worked and it was ok I did enjoy that time with Katie just the two of us but those times where few and far between most of the time it was just to sore. It got to about 5 weeks and I decided that I couldn't do it anymore it wasn't healthy for me to feel this way and at the end of the day formula wasn't going to do her any harm! And I was so much happier and felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I think it's shocking the pressure woman are put under to breast feed and how if you formula feed your made out to be a bad mum. A good friend said to me breast isn't best, whatever is good for the mum is best cos if she is happy then the baby will be happy and I fully agree with that statement. Good for you if you breatfeed and manage to do it for years and years but people shouldn't make other people feel bad because they don't do it. There could be a number of reasons why people don't do it at least I tried and I know I gave Katie the best I could for as long as I could and just because I stopped doesn't mean she will grow up being less clever than a child who has been breast feed.

Once we established how we were feeding her things improved greatly, the health visitor seemed happy with her progress and she was putting on weight well so now we won't see her until February when the fun part of weaning starts :)

We also decided not to use cloth nappies as the whole process is just very hard to understand and very time consuming as well. We did try to use them a couple of times but she soaked right through within half an hour and I just couldn't cope with the added stress of it as well as having a new born baby. Again on the same par with breast feeding I find it shocking how "cloth mums" speak about "sposie mums" the world of parenting is so judgemental it's unreal.

As I said at the start Lee has been away a lot and it has just been the two of us and at times I've found it really hard especially at night time it's when my anxiety seems to come out more. For a long time I was still sleeping with one hand on her chest and even then I still found it hard to settle. But now she's in her big girls cot in our room and even though I still check on her loads during the night I'm starting to relax a little bit more now, I think it panics me because due to my hearing loss I can't hear her breathing whereas when Lee is here all I need to do is ask him if he can hear her and he can which reassures me right away.

What I have learned is that every day is different from the last and you are constantly learning new things about your baby and at times it can be the hardest thing in the world to do especially when you are on your own. I know I am to hard on myself and I constantly put myself down and worry and panic that I'm not good enough to be her mum and I'm doing this wrong but in time I'll be able to look back and see that in fact I done a great job and I done the best that I could for Katie. Nobody said mother hood was going to be easy and my god it sure isn't but it is so rewarding and after everything we have been through to get her I intend to enjoy every second I have with her, I may moan about being tired, I may not get to sleep until 5am, I may stink of baby sick and not get to eat until gone 2pm but I would never change it for the world. I love being a mum and if anyone ever has anything negative to say about my choices or how I raise Katie they are welcome to keep their opinion to theirselves. At the end of the day she is our daughter and what we decide is for the best for Katie.

The only down side about it all is most of the time I am going to be a single parent, I will have to play mum and dad and I will have to explain to her why daddy isn't home but that's the life of an army family. It sucks and Lee finds it so hard to walk out the door but he does knowing that we are here waiting for him to come home to us and he knows that Katie will always have a mummy who loves every fibre of her being and I will do what I can to make sure she knows we both love her and will do anything for her.

The only advise I can give to first time mums is don't be to hard on yourself, you are doing great! And it maye be tough at times but it will get easier.

Well I think that's me done for this entry I probably will come back to my blog maybe once Katie is a year old and give you all an update on how the year has been and where we are at that time. I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their support over the past 2 years and for reading my blog and coming on this journey with us. I still can't quite believe how it has all turned out! I wish all my readers the very best for whatever journey you are going through and I hope reading our story has helped you in some way.

Lots of love Mandy, Lee & Katie xxx

One journey ends and another begins.............

It has taken me a few days to decide where to go with my blog after two whole years of being on this crazy journey I think as the title says "our journey from beginning to end" it is almost time to close the last page of the book.

Never in a million years looking back from my first entry (see below) would I have imagined my life would have took the turn that it has and for the better. It just goes to show that no matter what life throws at you never give up hope and keep on going even when you feel like you can't possibly go on anymore because when you are at your lowest that is when you will see the light at the end of the tunnel and things will get better. Maybe not exactly how you wanted it to but it will get easier.

http://andsoourjourneystarts.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/and-so-it-begins.html

My advise for anyone going through fertility issues and it will probably be really annoying to people because when anyone said it to me I felt like punching them but as easy as it is to let the treatment and fact you don't have children yet consume your whole being you have to stop and take time out for you and your partner and enjoy just being together. Don't get me wrong we went through a hell-ish time of it with the treatment failing and Lee going to Afghanistan but what I think helped us was going on our holiday of a life time to Florida. We had no worries at all just enjoyed being together and relaxing and more so having fun not thinking about treatment or anything. So if you can just take time out the treatment will always be there you can't let it take over who you are because it's not healthy for anyone involved.

So after that is all said and done let's get up to speed to where we are now.........

Wednesday 24th September at 02:00am I woke up with what I thought was a really sore cramping stomach ache, I got out of bed and went straight to the toilet and just in time as my back waters went. I'm not gonna lie I went into a state of panic as I didn't know what to do or what to expect. I shouted to Lee to wake up and at the time it wasn't funny but he started googling what to do and I'm shouting at him to phone someone cos I was convinced the baby was going to just come flying out (how wrong was I) Finally he called the triage and they wanted me to go in to be checked over and to confirm that labour had started. Of course I called my mum who at 02:30am started making plans to get through to be with me and I am so thankful my uncle was able to bring my mum and dad through as I was terrified my mum would miss being at the birth.

We got ready and made our way to the hospital, I was terrified of what was going to happen next but they just checked me over and confirmed my waters had gone but they sent me back home until full labour was established however if nothing progressed I was scheduled to go back in at 22:00pm to be induced.

My mum and dad arrived soon after we got home and insisted I rested but  I couldn't for the life of me get to sleep as the contractions I had were a bit painful and I was to nervous to go to sleep I don't think any of us really rested properly. The rest of the day went by in a bit of a blur really time was flying in and I was sure I was going to be going to hospital to be induced.

We decided to take the dog for a walk later on that day and it was quite possibly the best but worst idea ever. I swear I thought I was going to have her in the mucky lane going through the forest as the contractions were becoming extremely closer together and more painful that I had to stop bent over in two until they passed. I managed to make it home and got into the bath which in all honesty didn't help one bit. By this point I had started bleeding so of course I was worried and Lee called the hospital again and we had to go back in, little did I know I wouldn't be coming back out as just me!

We got to the hospital about 19:00pm and it was a wee while before anyone came to get us and when finally they did I had to be hooked up to the monitor so they could keep an eye on the baby's movements and heart rate. It was then we realised that the chance of going to the birthing suite or having a water birth was out of the question and I was a bit upset about it, Lee was more annoyed than me surprisingly.

 We were left in that room for hours with hardly anyone coming to check that I was ok or to check my bleeding. I had to go find someone whenever I need to go to the toilet and then have someone check to see if the bleeding had stopped or changed. It wasn't until round about 01:00am the bleeding had gotten a bit heavier that they suddenly had a room free in the labour ward and we were whisked away. It was at this point I think it got real and I was filled with sheer terror and I thought I can't physically do this. I hated the thought of having such a medical labour and the midwife I had just wasn't nice at all and I felt we never connected and that she just wasn't interested in even being there.

From the time we got to the ward until things properly started to happen again is a total blur to me. I can remember they broke my front waters and it was such a strange feeling and it wasn't long after that the contractions got unbearable and I asked for an epidural. Two and a half excruciating hours passed and nobody turned up to give me the epidural and I felt I had to push. The midwife checked and i was only 3cm so nowhere near ready to push yet. I was given gas and air and was really quite upset as I felt nobody was helping me and at this point my mum had to leave the room to get some air, probably not the best timing as again I had a massive urge to push and I couldn't;t stop it and I was screaming at the midwife over and over again until she finally checked and I was 10cms and more than ready to push, my mum just got back into the room in time!

I'll be honest labour actually wasn't that bad, it's nothing like period pain (if your periods are that bad you need help!) but it's not unbearable that you need to be given loads of drugs to cope with it. The most painful part of it all was when her shoulders came out but that might not be the case for everyone as my babies shoulder got stuck and it was at this point that I got a second degree tear which would need seeing to after everything was over.

It all seemed to go really quickly one minute I was pushing and the next minute there she was! I couldn't believe it, my first words where "is she mine?" and "can I keep her?" Even at that point I was convinced it was all just some weird dream and someone was going to wake me up and it would all be over.

The rest of the process was all again a bit of a blur, apparent;y this has a lot to do with the gas and air so I apologise for it being so patchy. The one bit I do remember is having the stitches, they were talking about taking me to theatre as they thought they were worse than what they were but they managed to just do it there and then and my god it was really painful, so much so I had to use the gas and air and I don't know how it helped for having the baby but it didn't help for having stitches!!!

So now I would like to introduce Katie Lillian Hill born on the 25th September 2014 at 05:23am weighing 7lbs 3.5oz.

This is our very first photo just seconds after she was born. I can't begin to tell you how much this photo does and will mean to me for the rest of my life. I can't believe after all the years, all the heart break and all the tears and all the negative tests we finally got our little miracle.

I have decided that I will do another entry in a few weeks time just about how mother hood in her first month has been and then I'll decide from there whether to start a whole new blog about being a mummy after infertility or not. I hope you have all enjoyed following our story up until now. And I hope somewhere out there someone has gained something from reading my blog.

Thank you for taking time to read and I'll leave you with one of my favourite (it's hard to choose) photo's of my little Katie xx

37 week update

Wow so here we are 37 weeks pregnant! Time has literally just flown in, still feels like yesterday we found out and it still hasn't sunk in that this is actually happening.

So much has happened since my last update, can't believe its been 5 weeks since my last blog post, I will hang my head in shame!

Well to start off I started my antenatal classes, unfortunately the first one was cancelled and the second one I had to go on my own. I found it quite difficult walking into the room just down to anxiety and feeling like I wasn't supposed to be there but once I got in and got over the dreaded "Hi my name is Mandy" part it went OK and this lovely woman started talking to me which put me at ease right away. The second and third class was fine as Lee was able to go with me and I actually felt I learnt quite a bit of information I never knew. A lot of people don't see the point of going or find them a waste of time but it was quite nice hearing other people's stories and experiences and to be honest it gets you out the house for a couple of hours and to meet to new people so there really is no harm in going along.

I've also finished up work for maternity leave it feels weird not going to work but it came at the right time as I was just so tired all the time and it was becoming a chore trying to get up and ready in the morning. I do miss the company during the day but then I've always felt comfortable being on my own a lot anyway so it's not something new for me. All I've done so far is clean the house everyday I literally haven't stopped and relaxed once which I know is daft but I can't help it! I'm going to my mum and dad's to stay for a few days so hopefully I'll find it easier to sit down and relax and be looked after.

Finally the day I had been planning and preparing for came round.......MY BABY SHOWER!!! Some people will probably find it weird that I arranged most of it on my own but with family living further away and friends few and far between I had no choice but to be honest I really enjoyed planning it all out and being involved in that part and seeing it all come together. Lee helped out loads to and got right into making things for it and he seemed to enjoy it to. My mum and auntie did all the buffet and my friend Claire made all the favours so I wasn't left completely on my own.
I was so happy with how it all turned out and the hall looked brilliant. Everyone seemed to have a good time, most people had never heard of a baby shower let alone been to one, so it was nice for them to experience mine.

The amount of gifts we got was really over whelming and it was the first time of the day it really hit me that we are having a baby. People still don't understand what I'm feeling but for 6 years we were under the impression it was always just going to be the two of us so all these wee milestones we have gone through mean so much more than your average pregnant person. I never once thought we would get to experience having a baby shower so it really meant a lot to have one and spend time with my friends and family having a good time and celebrating that we are having a baby.

Prediction Card Game

Design Your Own Baby Vest

Wishing Tree

After the baby shower we spent the next day organising the nursery and the spare cupboard which resulted in having to go out and buy more storage units, it makes me smile to think my unborn baby has more cupboard space in the house than lee and I put together already!!

We now have a good list of the things that we still need to get and due to the generosity of family and friends it's not very much and it's just small things that we can pick up over the next couple of weeks.

We also moved the moses basket into our bedroom more so we can get used to it being there and again it was one of those moments that got to me seeing it in my room next to my side of the bed, another wee thing that I never thought would ever happen! 

So yeah I think we are pretty much organised for whenever she decides to come I'm convinced she won't be here until October and I'm OK with that saves getting over excited now then when she isn't here on the due date it won't upset me or make it feel like it's dragging on forever. I don't understand anyone who gets their hopes up; weeks before their due date especially for their first baby nine times out of ten you will go over and anyway she will be here when she's ready to. After all girls do like to make a lasting impression of arriving late :)

Next midwife appointment is tomorrow so it'll be interesting to hear what she says and what things we will go over, as I said above I'm going to my parents for a few days so will update when I'm back home. Thanks again for reading and your welcome to share with your friends xx

Latest Bump Shot xx

32 week update!!!

I have been so rubbish at keeping my blog up to date! Mostly it's down to just not having time or being ridiculously tired after work I've not had a chance to get on my computer.

So what's been happening? Finally got the DVD from the 4D scan and as I said instant tears! I've added a clip of one of the songs to share with you all. It really was such a special experience and I'd recommend anyone to go and get it done because it's an awesome memory and keepsake to have.

Since having our scan we had a wee trip for a family wedding which was lovely, however the not being able to drink and being shattered was interesting! During our break I had a call from the midwife and I had to go for a gestational diabetes test because my bloods came back with to much sugar in them and I would also be put on iron tablets because they cam back showing I was anaemic to. The test took 2 hours in total to complete and I have to say was the most boring morning ever!!I had to go in and have a blood test and then drink a full glass of lucozade. I didn't think downing a glass of lucozade would be hard but it was the original flavour and it was horrid. I then had to sit in the waiting room for 2 hours and then go back in for another blood test. She called me before the end of the day and it came back ok so thankfully I don't have diabetes :)

A few weeks after that I had my routine midwife appointment and everything was ok nothing really to tell from that, due to go back at the end of this month and we are going to discuss the birth plan so that will be interesting to do.

We have also got my hospital bag packed which is making it all a bit more real now, I still have a few bits to put into it but nothing major that if she decided to make her appearance we would be panicking.

Oh we have also decided to give cloth nappies a try once we get home from hospital and all the meconium has passed, I have to say I've become a bit addicted to buying them but they are all super cute! I hope that it works for us because it's a massive saving and like I said they are so cute, completely different to the piece of cloth and nappy pin my mum used to use!! This is our stash so far, I'm going to get a couple more at the end of the month then try and hold off buying anymore until after we are sure we can get the hang of it.

We have also been getting our furry children ready for the little ones arrival, we decided to bring the baby swing down and I sat my ipad in it while playing babies crying and to my surprise they were both really ok with it. Buddie (the dog) was just kind of staring at it and then looking at me as if to say "well check on the baby then" and Suzie (the cat) just wandered away. I really don't think we will have any worries with them when the time comes. Suzie managed to get used to Buddie quite quickly so she should be ok with another addition.

In my last blog I had said how we got a free scan with the 4D package well we decided to bring it forward to this weekend and it was quite surreal to think this would be the last time we see her on a scan machine! She has grew loads since July. The sonographer said she weighs 5lb 11oz and is measuring 34 weeks which is freaking me out a bit, if she gets any bigger the water birth will be getting scrapped I think!!

I think that's me up to date with how things have been so far the next few weeks are mainly about getting through work and then I'll be finishing up for maternity leave! It's going to be weird not working after always having a job since I was 16. I'm looking forward to resting mind you it's been tough with feeling nauseous and just tired. We also start our antenatal classes in two weeks, unfortunately Lee won't be here so that's going to take a lot of courage to go on my own but I'm looking forward to seeing what goes on and learning some new things.

As usual I'll end with a bump shot, as people keep telling me I'm getting huge!! I guess that's a good sign though that the baby is growing :)

I'll be sure not to leave it so long until I next update my blog. Thanks for reading xx

27 week update!!

Well it really has been a busy few weeks!! First off we went to the expectant parent event at mother care and it was really quite interesting, I'm glad we went along especially to learn more about breast feeding and how to put the baby to bed, sounds silly but I never knew there was so many regulations these days about how to put a baby down for a sleep!!

This past week I had an appointment with the nurse for my whooping cough injection however I ended up not getting it because apparently you must be 28 weeks seemed a bit pointless to me cos I was only 4 days off being 28 weeks so I've had to re-arrange it for next week. We also had another midwife appointment and my mum was able to come along to meet her as my mum and gran were through for an overnight for the 4D scan so that was quite good. What wasn't so good was the fact the midwife done an examination of my bump trying to figure out which way she was lying and oh my god it hurt so much! She was pushing down so hard on my tummy I was sure the baby was gonna pop out! She also measured me but this time she did it properly from my pubic bone and again it was really painful when she was pressing down on it. Baby is measuring a week bigger this time round which if true is not ideal as Lee is away the week before I'm due but I'll not go into that now or worry about it (yeah right LOL) so again at the appointment I also had to get bloods taken and my anti d injection, I opted to get this in my hip mainly because it doesn't hurt as much as the arm but it still gave me a dead leg thankfully I shouldn't need another one of those unless I have anymore bleeds or until after I've had the baby. The midwife seemed happy with how things are going and I'm back at the end of July to see her again.

Now it brings us to the 4D scan YAY!!! I've never felt to excited, scared and nervous in my life. I couldn't believe it was finally here after 7 whole weeks of waiting. It was nice for the mums and grans to come along and share the experience with us too. I was so surprised nobody cried I managed to hold back the tears but I think once I see the DVD on my own they will come. We are hoping to get the DVD this week as it takes a few days for them to make them up with all the footage and added extras. But for now here is a photo of our perfect little baby girl <3

We also got a recording of her heartbeat in a teddy and its just magical, I'll admit I listen to it every night before I go to sleep and it brings me a bit of comfort knowing shes ok :)
What did surprise me was the sonographer said she's weighing almost 3 pounds already! I fear she is gonna be a chunky monkey at this rate!! With the scan package we bought we get a free reassurance scan which is booked for the middle of august, I'm really excited for that one but it will be so surreal as that will be the last time we will see her before she is here which when I think about it, it's scary!!

My anxiety these past couple of weeks has been ok I managed to cope better with it but I think knowing the scan was soon helped me as it gave me something to focus on so I'm not sure how the next few weeks will pan out.

The one thing I did want to flag up in this post just because it has affected me a lot over the past couple of days is before I got pregnant I used to always get so pissed off with pregnant woman complaining about pregnancy type issues, I used to always say to myself that they should think themselves lucky to be able to get pregnant and have these feelings and at the time of me having these feelings towards them I never thought I'd ever be on this side of the fence so to speak. As much as this journey has at points been heart breaking and so hard to deal with the loss and pain and constant worry and what if's I'm kinda glad that I've been on the other side to experience infertility and now experiencing pregnancy because before I never stopped to think how hard being pregnant actually is but now I'm going through these issues it really has opened my eyes.

As grateful and thankful and happy as I am that we are finally having our little miracle pregnancy has been tough and I will admit that I've hated it and I really don't know how people can actually truthfully say they enjoy being pregnant. Last night after a bath I just stood in my bedroom naked and cried to Lee about it all how everything hurts, how my body has changed, how my ankles are swollen, I struggle to wipe myself after the toilet, I can't get comfortable to have a decent sleep and how I wouldn't blame him if he left me cos I just felt like a huge mess. Safe to say the emotional hormones are coming back! I know from here on in it's only going to get worse as she gets bigger.

With that said and I know most people will think I'm selfish and I should be thankful and there will be people who read this who are the me before I got pregnant and they won't like any of the above but trust me for all the aches and pains, for all the hideous stretch marks, for all the piles and constipation and anything else disgusting you can think of that happens in pregnancy I wouldn't change this for the world. Even though I had a cry about my body and how much of a mess I feel I do love the fact my body has these marks and pains because it is finally after 6 long years working as it should and growing a baby that is the only part of pregnancy that makes it all worth while I can cope with the crap bits for now cos it won't be forever well the stretch marks probably will be but then I will finally have my tiger stripes and I'll have earned these ones for an awesome reason!!

So that's me up to date we don't have any more appointments until the end of July so that will probably be my next update. We do however have our first event with me being pregnant with a family wedding next week so that will be an experience for us. We also have our bump to baby photo shoot the following week which I'm really looking forward to and I'll be sure to share some photos of that.

Well that's me for now :) I'll leave you with another up to date bump shoot and look forward to filling you in on the next update in a few weeks xxx

25 week update, Army Life & Anxiety

So much has happened in the last 3 weeks..............

To start off with I finally got my appointment through to go for an assessment regarding my anxiety, thankfully Lee was able to come with me for support but it turned out not to bad. The woman doing the assessment was actually really nice and didn't make me feel like I was loosing my mind or that it was silly. The appointment was mainly for her to find out a little bit about me and find out what the best next step was to try and overcome/reduce my anxiety so she has decided that one on one therapy will be better for me and I should receive an appointment for this in a few weeks time. Again I'm going to go and see how I feel and give it a chance to see if it works. I'd do anything to be able to go at least one day without something setting me off.

I'm not sure if I've spoke about the chance of Lee possibly getting redundancy but anyway he had applied for it this tranche and he had stupidly gotten his hopes up as did I that we would be saying goodbye to this "life" and be able to start our next chapter on civvy street however it wasn't to be so it looks like we are stuck here for the foreseeable future. Really quite gutted as I was hoping to move closer to home once the baby is here but never mind clearly it wasn't meant to happen. The plan now is he is going to try and transfer to the med corp which means we will hopefully get posted somewhere else. I think we really need a fresh start away from this place. I really don't want to bring my daughter up living here it's just an existence and without my job I can guarantee there will be days that I literally won't speak to a single person especially when Lee is away on course or exercise and that really isn't very healthy for me or the baby. I'm hoping maybe once she is here I'll be able to find mummy and baby groups to go to and hopefully finally meet some friends.

I also had another midwife appointment this week which went OK, it turns out I have protein in my urine so my sample has been sent away to the lab for further tests but the midwife didn't seem to concerned. Baby is measuring bang on 25 weeks and again the midwife didn't seem bothered that at the last appointment she was measuring 2 weeks ahead and now she's not. It's playing on my mind quite a bit but I have another midwife appointment in 2 weeks and depending how she measures at that one I'll voice my concerns more to her.

I feel so excited that we only have one more week to push and we get to see spud again this time in 4D it really can't come soon enough I have a busy week with a parent event at mother care to go to and my best friend from back home coming to stay for a few days so hopefully this coming week will fly in!!

I'll be sure to update in a couple of weeks as we have the scan and the next midwife appointment on the same day so should have plenty to say in that post :)

Here is the most recent bump shot to date including the dog!! xx <3

22 week update!

Not much has been happening recently pregnancy wise time feels like it has stopped to be honest but then I think May has been the longest month ever!

We had our midwife appointment last week and as usual she checked my urine sample which was ok, my blood pressure which was ok and we had a chat about how I'm feeling and to be honest recently I've been feeling better still have moments of anxiety but nothing as bad as before, still waiting on my appointment coming through for the counsellor but the midwife did say the list can be quite long so I might wait some time. I dd find out I have an appointment to go and have my polyp checked but to be honest after reading the procedure, even though it says it is safe to be done in pregnancy, I'm really not sure about it. Just the whole fact they will be taking a sample from my cervix kinda freaks me out and it does say it can cause some bleeding and recently I have had zero bleeding and I've been so much happier. I don't think my anxiety could cope with another episode of bleeding!

She also checked the heartbeat and as always our little princess is a wriggler and loves to play hide and seek with the doppler! It took a while to get a good go at hearing it properly and the midwife was happy that it is fast and strong :) I had my bump measured to and she's measuring a few weeks bigger than she should be but lots of people have reassured me not to go by the measurements and that it doesn't mean she is going to be a ginormous baby, time will tell I guess!!!

They normally don't usually see you for another 6 weeks but we have booked in for 3 weeks time just to check everything is ok and to break down the time between now and our 4D scan which I can happily say has been booked and I literally can't wait for it!

So yeah this entry has been short and sweet but other than working and sleeping I haven't been doing much at all I've actually been trying to refrain from buying anymore baby things at the moment as we are pretty much organised apart from a few odd items than we can pick up later on and I think Lee will have a heart attack if I spend anymore money on random items :)

I'll end this entry with my latest bump shot and I'll be sure to update you in a few weeks time xx

20 week update........Team Blue or Team Pink??

WE MADE IT!!! Wow we actually made it to the half way point :D kinda exciting!! A massive mile stone we can now cross off.

So we ended up going for another private scan (yep hello anxiety my little annoying friend) and we found out the gender which shocked us both!! Due to this last minute decision and being really excited to share our news we never got a chance to do a gender reveal photo the way we had originally planned but never mind it's not all that important how you tell people so here we go lets see if all your guesses were right (mines sure as hell wasn't).......

IT'S A GIRL!!! We are officially Team Pink <3 we can't begin to tell you the shock we got I was totally convinced we were having a little boy.

We never told anyone we were going for the scan and it just so happened we were heading to my home town that day to visit my family so we decided to get everyone together and also get Lee's mum on face time and tell them the news. I think everyone was shocked but over the moon of course. We have already chosen her name but we are keeping that a secret until she is her. It took me ages to get used to saying she lol.

The happiness and joy of this news lasted for a few weeks and it was great going shopping and picking up little bits of pink things. My new favourite thing we got for the nursery are these cute lights from ikea they look brilliant!!

Our next midwife appointment came round and again nothing really much happened, to be honest I always feel like they are a waste of time. She took my blood pressure and checked the baby's heart beat and then referred me to the doctor to talk about my anxiety see blog post;

http://andsoourjourneystarts.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/anxiety-in-pregnancy.html

All the information from that appointment is in the link above but let's just say again that felt like a waste of time to. Anyway the midwife now doesn't want to see me until the end of the month unless I need to see her before then.

Everything was going OK since the midwife appointment until last week I ended up back in hospital due to another wee bleed everything was OK again however this time the doctor who done the examination has referred me to another department to look at the polyp on my cervix. She was quite surprised that I hadn't been referred when they discovered it the first time round. Apparently I'll get an appointment letter in the post for it. After almost 5 hours I was discharged with a very sore arm from yet another ant i injection, thanks to my awesome blood type!

We also had our 20 week anomaly scan last week and I was so nervous about it but thankfully everything is as it should be and she is definitely a girl :) I wasn't sure whether I was to have a full bladder so I drank loads before hand and then was told I had to go and empty it and have a jump around as the little madam was to comfy and wouldn't move for the sonographer to do her measurements. Thankfully jumping up and down and wiggling my belly helped and we got a fab photo of her that looks like she's sucking her thumb <3

It's hard to believe that'll be the last scan at the hospital now and the next time we go will be to bring her into the world! What a terrifying though :/

We have a 4d scan scheduled for July on her daddy's birthday and we can't wait for it! We also have a bump to baby photo shoot happening in July as well which should be fun.

I'll update again after my next mid wife appointment at the end of the month to let you all know how things are going.

Hope you have enjoyed the latest instalment in our journey <3 xxxx

Anxiety in Pregnancy

While waiting for my next update/scan at 20 weeks I thought I'd do an entry on how I've been dealing with anxiety during pregnancy which has had a major role in it so far and I have to say it's worse than any other symptom in my opinion........

I'm a natural worrier, I've spent most of my life being worried about something or other and I've always struggled with anxiety issues whether it be going to the shops on my own or finding myself in new situations and not knowing how to deal with it. Whenever I have to go to the supermarket on my own I always end up calling my mum to talk to me while I go around getting the things I need and if she's not in or busy I can feel myself starting to panic and wondering how I'm going to get round the shop and back to the car.

To most people this will seem completely irrational and probably extremely stupid but to me it's not to me in that moment and time it's the worst thing that could be happening to me. I'm not sure where it's come from or how or when it even started but it has played a massive part in my life for a long time.

I never ever expected it to be able to get worse but so far this pregnancy it has and it has not been the best of times for me as a person or as a couple. It's actually gotten really bad at times where I can't force myself to get out of bed in fear that the scenario I have played out in my head a million times is going to actually happen and when it consumes me that much I can't stop myself from falling into a big black hole of dread and I just don't want to be near anyone or have to speak to anyone pretending I'm ok because I'm not and I can't hide it and to prevent myself from having to explain myself I just hide away and let it take over me until eventually I can think rationally and bring myself out of it.

People will probably be surprised to read this as I feel I hide it well but my husband has had to put up with alot no matter how much he tries to bring me out of it he can't all he can do is hold me during my crying stages and leave me alone during the rest of it he can't stand it when it gets bad and I'm not sure he fully understands it but he has been there for me as much as he can which I'm grateful for.

I've been speaking to my midwife over the past few appointments and she finally transferred me to a GP to discuss things with him, to be honest I didn't really like him I felt he was laughing at me and not really understanding you could tell he has never felt anxious about anything in his life. He has referred me to a counsellor and gave me websites for self help but they haven't been much use I know I can't self help because when I'm at my worst there is not enough rational reasoning to stop it taking over me.

Apparently it's very normal to have worries and fears during pregnancy and for me I know it's heightened because of how far we have came to get to this stage and my fear is something is going to take it from me and there won't be anything I can do to stop it. The rational part of me asks well why would something happen and then the irrational side has a million  responses ready and waiting because I've acted out every scenario possible in my head a million times over. The worst one was that I'd convinced myself it was all over and my baby had just stopped growing and that was me convinced until we got the doppler out and heard the heart beat and a private scan later confirmed everything was indeed ok and I was just being completely irrational.

The things I've learnt though from being like this and going through these feelings is talk to people tell them how your feeling they may not have anything to say that will help you but they can at least try if they know how tough things are. And if need be get those extra scans because sometimes seeing your baby on a screen is the only thing to put your anxiety at bay even if it's just for a short time. However if your anxiety gets the better of you and your convinced something is wrong phone the midwife and see if they will check you over. You shouldn't go through this time feeling like this alone. I've also learnt that counting down days until your next scan or midwife appointment helps to. I break it down into smaller chunks and that in itself can ease my anxious state sometimes.

I have more good days than bad I don't spend every day feeling fearful and panicky there is days where i can just get on with it and consumed with happiness that in 4 months time I'm going to have my very own baby in my arms and I just can't wait <3 xx

16 week update xx

It's hard to believe it's been nearly 4 weeks since I updated my blog! Things have been ok recently the bleeding seems to have stopped with the odd appearance but nothing that has worried me to much. I'd say the worst symptoms recently has been headaches I've been getting a lot recently and nothing I take seems to shift them I've found myself just going to bed when they get to much. 

So what's been happening recently? Well I had a wee week off work the other week and Lee has been off for 3 weeks so we have been busy painting the nursery and getting it all organised. I've had some really bad anxiety attacks during my time off I really got myself into a right state and managed to convince myself that something was wrong and that it was all over and was determined to go for a scan but for the first time ever I managed to talk myself down and think rationally and we never went for a scan which in my eyes is an achievement. My friend whose just had a baby kindly sent me her fetal heart Doppler which we have used twice now and both times managed to find Spuds heartbeat I have to say it was pretty amazing to hear :)

We also had our 16 week midwife appointment nothing much really happened at the appointment. She went through all our tests results and everything came back normal which is good then she took my blood pressure and checked my urine sample which both came back fine as well. We got to hear the babies heartbeat again and we had a good chat about my anxiety, she has booked me in for another appointment in 2 weeks to check in on the baby as she thinks this will help with my anxiety. I'm looking forward to the appointment plus it also breaks down the time until our 20 week scan.

This week the furniture for the nursery arrived and I have to say I was so excited to get it built and in place it looks amazing ❤️ I still can't quite get over that this is actually happening I really never thought for once that my dreams would come true and we would be creating a nursery for our very own little baby in our house! I think people have got an opinion about how organised we are or that we are doing things to early but these people don't understand what it's like to finally be living this dream that we have waited so eagerly for. Of course we are excited to get things organised and buy things and visually see it coming together. Me personally have had a long time to have the dreams of how the nursery would look like and what things we would get and now we can actually put those dreams into reality nothing is going to stop me being overly organised.

 We still have lots of things to get before the nursery is complete but I'm so happy with how it's looking at the moment. I find myself going into the room and just looking at everything and thinking wow ❤️ 

So we are coming up to 17 weeks pregnant and we have another midwife appointment at the end of the month followed by the 20 week scan a couple of weeks after that. I'll wait to update after the scan and hopefully all being well have our gender reveal photo to share :) to end my blog post here is my latest bump shot :) xx

Scans and 13 week update........

Ive been rubbish at keeping my blog updated so firstly apologies! I'll go back to filling you in on how the private scan went and go from there........

So as I said in my last blog I had booked a private scan I really couldn't wait for it to come and finally it did. I didn't know what I was expecting of the place, Lee was convinced it was some sort of conservatory attached to someone's house LOL. It was actually really lovely especially inside it was so welcoming and the receptionist woman made you feel comfortable right away. We got there rather earlier than we thought and because we were first to arrive they took us right away which I was beyond thankful for as I was bursting for a pee after drinking a ton of water! The room was so lovely and there was a huge 50" screen tv for us to see the baby, this kinda made it harder for me to hide my eyes like I always do before a scan mostly cos I'm convinced nothing will be there anymore, but as soon as I heard her say there baby is I opened my eyes and it was pretty awesome to see him on such a big screen! As expected I burst into tears I genuinely was convinced that there would be nothing to see but there he was waving away at us and I just fell in love with him even more <3

After the scan things seemed to improve and we managed to get on with things and I started to enjoy the experience a bit but then then the bleeding would start again and I would go back to feeling all the anxieties and fears again it was just really getting me down and I was always to scared to leave the house for long periods of time cos I had to be close to the toilet so I could check up to a million times a day.

I finally got myself together enough to go to Glasgow and meet up with my best friend and we went out for the day it really knocked me for six I was shattered I think mostly cos it's the first time I've been so far from my house and drove further than I have been recently but it was lovely to have a bit of normal for a wee while.

The past few days have been pretty rough the bleeding stopped for about 3 days and I thought finally this is it but again it was just tricking me because it started again on Sunday through to Monday and we had our 12 week scan on Tuesday and strangely the bleeding stopped so I started getting excited again my mum was through staying as I invited her to the scan and Lee's mum and gran were coming through to visit and come with us. We travelled to the hospital and I couldn't wait to see spud again, mixed in with some anxiety. We didn't wait long for the scan but I was gutted to find my mum and Lee's mum weren't allowed to come in so they had to wait outside.

Lee and I went into the room and I got myself on the bed and again closed my eyes, the sonographer wasn't the friendliest of people so I whispered to Lee is he there and he said yeh! And then I looked and there was my little spud again I fell in love all over again it was wonderful to see him and he even did a forward flip which was so strange to see! He was measuring perfect for 13 weeks and he had a good heartbeat as well 

After the scan we waited ages in the waiting room to be called for a blood test which was to test for Down syndrome, the nurse advised we would get the results in 10-14 days if everything comes back normal we will get a letter but if there is any abnormalities they will phone me sooner. To be honest whatever happens it won't change a thing.

Once we were able to leave we went to the carvery for lunch to celebrate and then unfortunately Lee had to go back to work he had been in excercise since Monday and managed to get back for the scan but had to go right back afterwards I was so pleased he got to come with us.

The next day came and I woke up feeling really unwell and quite sore but I tried to ignore it and went to work but I had started bleeding again and I just felt like something wasn't quite right. I managed to get through until the afternoon but when I went to the toilet there was quite a lot of blood even more than ever before and I got quite a bit of a fright. I went back to my desk and tried to call the doctors but they were closed for a half day so I tried to phone the midwife and nobody answered so I tried to call Lee but with him being on excercise I couldn't get through to him and I had no choice but to phone the midwife triage at the hospital and she told me to go straight up which also frightened me because any other time they have told me to ride it out so I instantly burst into tears and my office manager was unsure of what to do I don't think she deals with very many crying pregnant people. I thought I just had to get hold of Lee as he needed to know but I tried him about 4 times and he never answered so I had to phone the guard room and the poor guy who answered the phone bless him he was trying to calm me down cos I couldn't control the tears and he said he would get him back for me.

My office manager let me leave work then and there and I drove home in tears and Lee's boss phoned me to find out what was happening and he said he would get him as soon as he could and meet me at the hospital. It was at this point I felt so alone and realised with my family being so far away I have nobody here to turn to in a crisis. The only person I thought to phone was Angie from my work and I was so thankful she could drop everything and come with me as I didn't know how long Lee would be and I couldn't face it alone so I drove to her house and picked her up and off we went. 

When we got to the hospital it wasn't long until Lee walked in covered in cam cream looking shattered and smelling from spending a couple of nights out on the hills but was I relieved to see him! His boss had brought him to the hospital and he kindly offered to take Angie home which was really lovely.

We waited for what seemed like ages before we were called into a ward and they took my blood pressure, temperature and a urine sample. They said a doctor would be round to have a talk with me and take it from there. We literally did wait over an hour before a midwife came in and apologised but the doctor was stuck in theatre and hopefully wouldn't be to much longer. I really wasn't to fussed as it's hardly anyone's fault so we waited and a Lee being Lee had to make a quick dash to the shop and he brought back a picnic for himself lol.

Eventually the doctor came round she was a lovely young doctor and was so reassuring. She sat on the bed and spoke to me and said that they have to treat it as a threatened miscarriage because of the bleeding and cramping. To be honest I never heard anything she said apart from those two words and I broke down the doctor had to leave the room because she was pretty upset and when she came back she apologised for upsetting me but she had to tell us. I felt really bad afterwards because I think I upset her but I couldn't hold back the tears. 

Once I managed to compose myself she advised that they would be doing an internal exam to check that my cervix was closed and I was also going to be given an anti d injection because my blood type is rhesus negative. The internal exam showed that I have polyps on my cervix and she said this could be the reason for the bleeding. It's quite like a skin tag you get on your body, I have one on my neck and if I catch it at all it bleeds sometimes and this is kinda like that. She said it's not harmful but I may experience bleeding again and after we have had the baby I can have them removed. So this was quite reassuring but the doctor still wanted me to have a scan but unfortunately the scan place was closed so it looked like we would have to come back tomorrow but while the nurse was giving me the anti d injection they managed to track someone down who could do the scan much to my relief!

Again going into the scan room I wasn't sure what to expect so closed my eyes again but he was absolutely fine! I've never been so relieved to see him again and see his little heart beating away. I definitely think he's going to be a boy though they always do like to cause us women trouble :)

After that we were discharged and I was given the strict order to have bed rest and take it easy so I'm off work for a few days to try and feel better so far the bleeding is still here but she said that might happen due to the internal examination. Hopefully it'll ease off soon but I won't hold my breath.

In the meantime I've been getting myself excited by looking at the nursery furniture and planning how it's going to look I can't wait to start getting it ready for little spuds arrival <3 we have our midwife appointment in 3 weeks so I'll be sure to update you then xxxx

A&E, Midwife Appointment and 10 week update

It's almost laughable reading my last blog entry and how I said I hope the drama would settle down after having an early scan done amazing how wrong I could have been!

So the bleeding didn't stop well it did then came back worse than ever to the point I woke up on a Sunday morning went to the toilet and there it was again blood but more heavier this time so as expected burst into tears and woke Lee up bearing in mind it was 7am and the weekend thankfully he could see how upset I was so there was no hesitation that we had to get ready and go to the A&E at the hospital. Safe to say I cried the whole way there, managed to compose myself enough to walk from the car to the reception then as soon as they asked what was wrong the tears came again and I just managed to give my details through sobs. We didn't wait long and thankfully it was really quiet, who else would be at the A&E that early on a Sunday morning!! 

We got taken into a cubicle by a young male doctor and once I said what was wrong you could visibly see he was pretty uncomfortable. He left the room for something and a woman came in to replace him I found this really strange and a bit unprofessional that he felt he couldn't deal with what we were there for. The woman was lovely and really seemed interested in helping me and reassuring me.

The only down side to A&E is that you are left sitting for quite a while they took blood samples, urine samples and putted a cannula in which hurt like a mother trucker! And we waited and waited. At one point they were putting me on a ward which was slightly terrifying but then once it hit 9:30 they got a gold of EPU and scheduled me in for a scan at 10:00. We had to sit and wait for a porter to come and get us I think this mostly down to the fact the EPU was on the complete opposite side of the hospital and it was some trek! Finally the porter arrived with a wheel chair and took us round and I'm not lying when I say it took us about 10 minutes to get there!

Because it was the weekend the EPU was really quiet so again we didn't wait to long until the nurse called for us and she has got to be one of the nicest nurses I've ever met. She was so friendly and reassuring and didn't once make me feel like I was mad. She took us into a room where two other nurses would perform the scan. Again I got on the bed and closed my eyes and burst into tears when she said that everything was ok and we got to see him on the screen. I was so convinced there would be nothing there and I've never felt such a big weight off my shoulders than that moment!

After the scan the nurse took us into another room to remove the cannula and have a chat to us about how things went and she said if I had any worries to not hesitate to call them which I thought was lovely.

Everything seemed to calm down after that for a few days anyway but then I had more bleeding I managed to keep calm and not worry and this worked for a while. It wasn't long until our midwife appointment was here a few days before it though I had another scare and had to get Lee sent home from exercise because I was terrified of being on my own his boss was amazing and got him back for me and just having him home made me feel a bit better so it turned out he could make it to the appointment.

I have to say it was the longest appointment ever! We had to be there for 8:30 and we didn't get out until after 10:00!! She went through everything about our family medical history, took bloods, urine sample, our medical history it was a lot of information! All the while it felt really surreal because I never once in my life thought I'd be attending a midwife appointment. We got loads of booklets and information to take home as well as our maternity notes which is my responsible to take to all my appointments, I wonder how many times I'll forget lol :)

Things seemed to be going well luckily I haven't had many symptoms apart from the odd nausea and my boobs being really sore and sensitive of course I'm grateful I'm not hugging the toilet throwing my guts up but on the other hand it's kinda scaring me how I'm not having more symptoms and people don't understand my logic behind this they are to quick to say you should be thankful and how I'd know all about it if I did have horrible symptoms. People have been really irritating throughout this so far and I think because they can fall pregnant so easily they don't understand what it feels like for me to have worked so hard for this and been through so much heart ache and appointments and all sorts that I'm a million percent terrified that this is going to be taken away from me and I really wish people would try and understand how hard this is instead of being over opinionated.

Anyway I thought the bleeding had stopped altogether but I think it was just lulling me into a false sense of security cos it's back :( it's really getting me down so much so I've booked a private scan which is happening on the 6th March and I honestly just can't wait for it to be here. I'm also beyond terrified of the scan I genuinely don't know what I'd do if it came back as something wrong.

I just want this first trimester to be over and for everything to just be ok so I can start to enjoy this experience because so far it's not been a very good time and I'm constantly in a state of fear and it's really not a nice feeling to have 24/7.

That's me up to date hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to update and feel more better about things. In the mean time I ask you all to say a prayer and send positive vibes my way xx

What a week!!!!

It has been the most toughest week of my entire life!! I thought once we finally got pregnant it would be plain sailing and everything would be amazing but Jesus how wrong could I have been!!

Fair enough most of it has probably been down to sheer paranoia and possibly still trying to get my head around that we are actually pregnant but every twinge, cramp and odd feeling I've had this week has sent me into an emotional mess. So far this week I've phones NHS 24 in tears because I had some bleeding and cramps and was convinced that was it but the lovely nurse managed to calm me down and sent Lee out to get some paracetamol which helped ease off the cramps and I felt better but the next few days the bleeding hadn't stopped and I phoned the EPU (early pregnancy unit) but they said everything sounded normal and by this point I was so upset cos I just felt nobody was listening to me and I felt like they were treating me like some psycho pregnant woman but I just felt that something wasn't right after spending the night in tears and trying to persuade Lee to take me to hospital he ended up calling my mum to try and calm me down because I was just in that much of a state nothing he was saying was getting through to me. My mum shouted and balled down the phone sounds mean but it worked and she got Lee to phone the hospital just to put my mind at ease but again they said it seemed fine but someone would call me tomorrow. Nobody ever did call and I ended up making a doctors appointment because I just wanted to get checked out and make sure everything was normal and hallelujah I finally got someone to listen to me and understand how I was feeling.

The doctor was not amused at how we had been treated and how we had just been left to go into the system like a normal pregnancy when this was not normal especially after already starting IVF treatment. I had told her I felt abandoned and like nobody was taking me seriously and she was genuinely sad I felt like that. She personally phoned the EPU and got me an appointment for the next day to have a scan to make sure everything was ok as I still had some bleeding and cramping and she could see how scared I was.

The next morning I had to go into work for a few hours and thankfully they flew in and we were on our way to the hospital in no time at all. The waiting room for the pregnancy support centre was lovely you could tell they made it nice because it's not always good news for people and just as the thought crossed my mind this young woman came in on her own fighting back the tears I felt so awful for her not knowing what her story was but being there alone I just wanted to give her a hug (i never though) soon after another woman came in with a screaming toddler and I thought it was a bit inappropriate especially when you have this woman clearly upset sitting in the same room.

It wasn't long before we got called, thank god my bladder was screaming, and the nurse at first seemed lovely and asked us some questions then she left to get another woman to perform the ultra sound. I climbed onto the bed and closed my eyes I was to scared to look at the screen. The US woman put the cold jelly on my by tummy and started and it wasn't long until she said yep found him and it was only then I could open my eyes and look at the screen. Again I burst into tears I think it was more from relief this time. She said his heartbeat looked good and he was measuring perfect for 7+1 weeks.

What they did find though was some bruising behind the sac which was a reason for the bleeding they said the implantation process can be quite rough and bruising sometimes can happen and that I'll prob bleed for another week before it heals itself.

I was finally able to go for a pee and came back out and the nurse continued to talk to us at this point I felt she was being a bit rude and unnecessary. It was like she was saying all that fuss for nothing but she clearly doesn't understand what it's like to want something for so long then finally get it. Of course I'm terrified it's going to be taken away from me this whole week I've felt like I've turned up at a party I wasn't invited to! I mean last week we were doing injections and this week we are looking at cots and nursery ideas so I'm bound to feel overwhelmed and scared and a million other things!

I said to Lee I think they should have booked us in for an early scan anyway because last week at our IVF appointment I was expecting a routine scan and then everything happened so quickly, they found a baby, told me to get dressed and washed their hands so I don't think they gave me time to fully take in that wee heartbeat on the screen last week and I think thats why this week has been so stressful. LEast at the scan on Friday I managed to take it in and have a good look at him and fully appreciate what I was seeing.

So yeah it's been a bit crazy but hopefully that'll be all the drama settled down. I managed to get a midwife appointment a bit earlier so I'm looking forward to going to that at the end of the month. The only sad thing is Lee won't make it as he will be away on exercise but I'm sure there will be loads more appointments for him to come to :)

I ended up buying another wee present for Spud lol I couldn't resist!!

I think that's me up to date and filled you guys in on everything so far! My next update will be after my midwife appointment :) xx

A Twist In The Road..........

As all journeys in life you find yourself steering off the main track once in a while or find that the main track veers off into a big bend and you don't know what is round the corner. That is kind of how our journey has went. I'll explain more.......

As you all know we had our hospital appointment on the 6th feb to go for a scan to see how well the injections were working and to hopefully move onto the next stage of treatment. Due to me taking in extra hours at work we had to make sure to be at the hospital first thing so we got taken first and for once in our lives we made it with ten minutes to spare! We actually had to stand outside because the clinic doors were still locked!!

As planned we got there first along with another couple and eventually once they let us in we got taken right away and ushered into room C6. It was strange cos this time it was a male doctor which I felt a bit funny about cos it had always been female doctors and I'd never met this guy before so I didn't feel as comfortable as I usually am. So anyway we got into the room and as usual stripped off my bottom half and hopped onto the bed and the doctor and nurse came into the room. The nurse who I've met loads of times before asked if I was ok for her to do the scan which of course I was everyone needs to learn sometime. She wasn't overly great at it and it was quite painful as she struggled to insert the wand thing but I just grinned and beared it.

After what seemed like a while all I heard was the nurse going "oh well we seem to have other news for you. Ill hand it over to the doctor" and this is when the doctor came and took over and he spun the monitor around and there in the screen was a tiny sac with a tiny heartbeat inside it :) instantly I burst into tears! It was all just so surreal like an out of body experience I just couldn't believe what I was seeing infront of my eyes! The doctor measured him and he measures about 6 weeks but he was a bit shy so that's just a rough guess at the minute.

The doctor and nurse left us alone for me to get ready and I just stood hand on my mouth holding the scan picture and we stared at each other in total bewilderment! We had to leave the cubicle and go into another room to speak with a nurse and then just like that we were discharged from being under the care of the fertility clinic!!

I walked out of those doors in a trance and I thought I need to phone my mum! She burst into tears as soon as I told her lol.

I had to drive back cos Lee has broke his hand and to be honest I don't know how I managed it! First stop was Asda I had to get one of those all singing and dancing tests cos I didn't believe them as mad as that sounds! After this I dropped Lee off at work and then drove to my own work and I had to tell my boss right away mainly down to taking on this new role which involves lifting heavy equipment and I just couldn't risk it he was happy enough but then his approval isn't important. I just couldn't wait to get home at lunch to do the test and finally when 12 came I rushed home and did it and I have to say it is the best feeling in the world to see those words "PREGNANT" instead of seeing no for all those years!

As soon as I done the test I FaceTimed with my mum and announced the news to my dad and he looked so shocked LOL we decided to phone my gran while on face time and announce the news to her and again shock was the main emotion!

We have told our immediate family and some close friends and I can't wait to post it on Facebook that finally our dream has came true and we done it all on our own!!!

I've always been honest in this blog so I will be now it has been a tough few days since finding out every twinge and pain has me terrified to the point I phoned NHS 24 (the out of hours doctor line) and had a lovely nurse reassure me to take some paracetamol and relax and it worked! I have days where I'm terrified to go to the toilet cos I'm sure there will be blood. It's hard to relax and enjoy it after being told the chances of this happening where slim to none I'm trying my best to not get to wound up about it though and I do have times where I'm just so happy.

I did another test the other day to out my mind at ease and it was so amazing to see those two lines again instead of just one!

Now all we can do is wait until our midwife appointment which is on the 12th March and then our first proper scan is booked for the 25th March. I've invited both my mum and my mother in law and I just can't wait to see "Spud" on the screen (that's what Lee has named him lol)

In the mean time though I couldn't resist buying some wee bits for him :)

I think that's all that's happened so far I'll be sure to keep you updated on the progress and how things go on this new and crazy journey of becoming a mum! Xx