22 week update!

Not much has been happening recently pregnancy wise time feels like it has stopped to be honest but then I think May has been the longest month ever!

We had our midwife appointment last week and as usual she checked my urine sample which was ok, my blood pressure which was ok and we had a chat about how I'm feeling and to be honest recently I've been feeling better still have moments of anxiety but nothing as bad as before, still waiting on my appointment coming through for the counsellor but the midwife did say the list can be quite long so I might wait some time. I dd find out I have an appointment to go and have my polyp checked but to be honest after reading the procedure, even though it says it is safe to be done in pregnancy, I'm really not sure about it. Just the whole fact they will be taking a sample from my cervix kinda freaks me out and it does say it can cause some bleeding and recently I have had zero bleeding and I've been so much happier. I don't think my anxiety could cope with another episode of bleeding!

She also checked the heartbeat and as always our little princess is a wriggler and loves to play hide and seek with the doppler! It took a while to get a good go at hearing it properly and the midwife was happy that it is fast and strong :) I had my bump measured to and she's measuring a few weeks bigger than she should be but lots of people have reassured me not to go by the measurements and that it doesn't mean she is going to be a ginormous baby, time will tell I guess!!!

They normally don't usually see you for another 6 weeks but we have booked in for 3 weeks time just to check everything is ok and to break down the time between now and our 4D scan which I can happily say has been booked and I literally can't wait for it!

So yeah this entry has been short and sweet but other than working and sleeping I haven't been doing much at all I've actually been trying to refrain from buying anymore baby things at the moment as we are pretty much organised apart from a few odd items than we can pick up later on and I think Lee will have a heart attack if I spend anymore money on random items :)

I'll end this entry with my latest bump shot and I'll be sure to update you in a few weeks time xx

20 week update........Team Blue or Team Pink??

WE MADE IT!!! Wow we actually made it to the half way point :D kinda exciting!! A massive mile stone we can now cross off.

So we ended up going for another private scan (yep hello anxiety my little annoying friend) and we found out the gender which shocked us both!! Due to this last minute decision and being really excited to share our news we never got a chance to do a gender reveal photo the way we had originally planned but never mind it's not all that important how you tell people so here we go lets see if all your guesses were right (mines sure as hell wasn't).......

IT'S A GIRL!!! We are officially Team Pink <3 we can't begin to tell you the shock we got I was totally convinced we were having a little boy.

We never told anyone we were going for the scan and it just so happened we were heading to my home town that day to visit my family so we decided to get everyone together and also get Lee's mum on face time and tell them the news. I think everyone was shocked but over the moon of course. We have already chosen her name but we are keeping that a secret until she is her. It took me ages to get used to saying she lol.

The happiness and joy of this news lasted for a few weeks and it was great going shopping and picking up little bits of pink things. My new favourite thing we got for the nursery are these cute lights from ikea they look brilliant!!

Our next midwife appointment came round and again nothing really much happened, to be honest I always feel like they are a waste of time. She took my blood pressure and checked the baby's heart beat and then referred me to the doctor to talk about my anxiety see blog post;

http://andsoourjourneystarts.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/anxiety-in-pregnancy.html

All the information from that appointment is in the link above but let's just say again that felt like a waste of time to. Anyway the midwife now doesn't want to see me until the end of the month unless I need to see her before then.

Everything was going OK since the midwife appointment until last week I ended up back in hospital due to another wee bleed everything was OK again however this time the doctor who done the examination has referred me to another department to look at the polyp on my cervix. She was quite surprised that I hadn't been referred when they discovered it the first time round. Apparently I'll get an appointment letter in the post for it. After almost 5 hours I was discharged with a very sore arm from yet another ant i injection, thanks to my awesome blood type!

We also had our 20 week anomaly scan last week and I was so nervous about it but thankfully everything is as it should be and she is definitely a girl :) I wasn't sure whether I was to have a full bladder so I drank loads before hand and then was told I had to go and empty it and have a jump around as the little madam was to comfy and wouldn't move for the sonographer to do her measurements. Thankfully jumping up and down and wiggling my belly helped and we got a fab photo of her that looks like she's sucking her thumb <3

It's hard to believe that'll be the last scan at the hospital now and the next time we go will be to bring her into the world! What a terrifying though :/

We have a 4d scan scheduled for July on her daddy's birthday and we can't wait for it! We also have a bump to baby photo shoot happening in July as well which should be fun.

I'll update again after my next mid wife appointment at the end of the month to let you all know how things are going.

Hope you have enjoyed the latest instalment in our journey <3 xxxx

Anxiety in Pregnancy

While waiting for my next update/scan at 20 weeks I thought I'd do an entry on how I've been dealing with anxiety during pregnancy which has had a major role in it so far and I have to say it's worse than any other symptom in my opinion........

I'm a natural worrier, I've spent most of my life being worried about something or other and I've always struggled with anxiety issues whether it be going to the shops on my own or finding myself in new situations and not knowing how to deal with it. Whenever I have to go to the supermarket on my own I always end up calling my mum to talk to me while I go around getting the things I need and if she's not in or busy I can feel myself starting to panic and wondering how I'm going to get round the shop and back to the car.

To most people this will seem completely irrational and probably extremely stupid but to me it's not to me in that moment and time it's the worst thing that could be happening to me. I'm not sure where it's come from or how or when it even started but it has played a massive part in my life for a long time.

I never ever expected it to be able to get worse but so far this pregnancy it has and it has not been the best of times for me as a person or as a couple. It's actually gotten really bad at times where I can't force myself to get out of bed in fear that the scenario I have played out in my head a million times is going to actually happen and when it consumes me that much I can't stop myself from falling into a big black hole of dread and I just don't want to be near anyone or have to speak to anyone pretending I'm ok because I'm not and I can't hide it and to prevent myself from having to explain myself I just hide away and let it take over me until eventually I can think rationally and bring myself out of it.

People will probably be surprised to read this as I feel I hide it well but my husband has had to put up with alot no matter how much he tries to bring me out of it he can't all he can do is hold me during my crying stages and leave me alone during the rest of it he can't stand it when it gets bad and I'm not sure he fully understands it but he has been there for me as much as he can which I'm grateful for.

I've been speaking to my midwife over the past few appointments and she finally transferred me to a GP to discuss things with him, to be honest I didn't really like him I felt he was laughing at me and not really understanding you could tell he has never felt anxious about anything in his life. He has referred me to a counsellor and gave me websites for self help but they haven't been much use I know I can't self help because when I'm at my worst there is not enough rational reasoning to stop it taking over me.

Apparently it's very normal to have worries and fears during pregnancy and for me I know it's heightened because of how far we have came to get to this stage and my fear is something is going to take it from me and there won't be anything I can do to stop it. The rational part of me asks well why would something happen and then the irrational side has a million  responses ready and waiting because I've acted out every scenario possible in my head a million times over. The worst one was that I'd convinced myself it was all over and my baby had just stopped growing and that was me convinced until we got the doppler out and heard the heart beat and a private scan later confirmed everything was indeed ok and I was just being completely irrational.

The things I've learnt though from being like this and going through these feelings is talk to people tell them how your feeling they may not have anything to say that will help you but they can at least try if they know how tough things are. And if need be get those extra scans because sometimes seeing your baby on a screen is the only thing to put your anxiety at bay even if it's just for a short time. However if your anxiety gets the better of you and your convinced something is wrong phone the midwife and see if they will check you over. You shouldn't go through this time feeling like this alone. I've also learnt that counting down days until your next scan or midwife appointment helps to. I break it down into smaller chunks and that in itself can ease my anxious state sometimes.

I have more good days than bad I don't spend every day feeling fearful and panicky there is days where i can just get on with it and consumed with happiness that in 4 months time I'm going to have my very own baby in my arms and I just can't wait <3 xx