It's been a while........

For some reason I felt like coming on and updating my blog. I've just read over my last blog and as I thought tears sprung to my eyes. It's safe to say that what happened is still very much raw and hurts to re-live it. The main reason I thought i'd update my "followers" on how things have been since then so here goes........... It took me a long time to be able to face people after what happened, having to tell everyone was the hardest part. The way they looked at me with sadness in their eyes and the sorry's was to much but what was harder than most was the ones who said aw don't worry you still have another chance or maybe it just wasn't meant to be, these people are lucky they never got punched in the face because at the time I didn't want another chance I wanted that to be our chance and it was meant to be but he just wasn't strong enough to hang on. Anyway before I get all bitter and twisted I'll move on. Soon after everything happened I had to pull myself together and make the most of the time I had left with Lee as his deployment was coming in on us and it was coming fast somehow I manage to draw strength from god knows where to carry on and act like I was ok (deep down I wasn't) soon the time came for me to say my "see you soon" which is never easy but nothing I could do or say would make him stay it is his duty and he had to go. To say it hasn't been easy would be an understatement I've found it extremely hard to keep going and stay positive during the past 4 months the days leading up to his R&R were extremely dark for me and the main reason was because in my head it was all supposed to be different. I was supposed to have a bump, my outfit was supposed to be cute and quirky to do with being pregnant and he was supposed to come back and see me glowing but no none of that was the case but again I managed to push they thoughts back down to the back of my head locked safely away and my outfit was changed and the excitement of seeing him after 3 months was over powering. We had the most amazing 10 days together and everything was great and then he had to go back :( During the month of June my period never came and I tried not to even think about it, put it down to excitement of R&R and then the stress of him going back but the little bit of my brain kept whispering this could finally be it you know you want to get excited and hopeful and of course that little bit of my brain overwhelmed the rest of it and I got excited and thought yay finally it's happened. Yeah right who am I kidding!! Took a test and no shock BFN and no shock even more the very next day AF showed with a vengeance. Safe to say there I was in floods of tears again as I stupidly got my hopes up again. You really think I would learn by now!! So anyway as July is quickly going in it's getting closer to receiving our letter telling us when we are due to go back to try our final chance at IVF and even though it's a while away I'm full of so many mixed emotions and unanswered questions but i'll leave it there and update more once I have my head on straight cos guaranteed if I keep on going tonight it won't make any sense!! Thanks again for taking time to read my blog and to any new followers please feel free to start from the beginning xx