Cycle 1 Complete

This is what a cycle of testing looks like! 20 continual tests over a whole cycle. I've found out a lot in my first cycle which is quite helpful cos to be honest I've never paid any attention to my body and how it works before. Any time the doctors have asked me questions about my cycle I've always had a blank expression on my face! The only thing I knew was I was irregular and short. So during this first cycle I've found that my cycle lasted for 31 days which is bordering on not normal, due to me having such a long cycle but short period I have to use 20 tests as opposed to the normal 10 which is a bit annoying and more costly but never mind. I have to say going into Cycle 2 I'm interested to see if it will be a mirror image of the first cycle. I guess the good thing about this is the next time the doctors ask me the questions ill be able to answer them honestly :)

So you may have guessed seeing as I've started Cycle 2 it's yet another month of FTC (failed to conceive) I don't know why it surprises me every month you would think after all this time I'd be used to the PG test saying not this time! But no I'm not used it because each month I fill myself with that tiny bit of hope that this month will be the month. If I was honest I would say it gets harder every month now the heartbreak gets that little bit unbearable as time goes on and having another month of people saying "don't worry it'll happen when it happens" that is probably the hardest part of it all because that simple sentence makes me want to scream at them! Whoever thought saying that to someone who has fertility problems helps needs a good talking to because trust me it doesn't!

People have often said they don't know what to say to me or how to approach the subject so tend to not ask and often say the wrong thing. It's quite hurtful that it seems nobody is interested but in actual fact they don't know what to say. I don't understand how they don't know what to say to be honest it's not an illness or a disease and I'm not going to die from it so it should be easy to talk to me about and nine times out of ten ill be thankful of having a chat about it instead of keeping all the emotions and things inside. I think this is probably one of the reasons I decided to do this blog that way I can write down what I feel and what's happening and people can read it and not have to be awkward about asking me so yeah a win win situation!

So in a nutshell that's another month been and gone and we are no further forward with our dream but we are still keeping hope and that's all we can do xx

The Waiting Game

So this is were the waiting begins nobody could have prepared me for the amount of emotions I would experience during this journey and nobody could prepare me for not being ready for the emotions that would just creep up on me out of the blue and knock me for six either. This happened quite alot and will keep on happening for sure, sometimes I will know its going to come but sometimes it will be unexpected.

Like I've said in previous posts I found a few friends on my facebook going through the same thing and one in particular has a story which gives me hope in thise down days. She had been having problems for a long time to and started to use the Clearblue Ovulation Monitor** and after a few months fell pregnant and now has a gorgeous baby boy :) After she fell pregnant she didnt have any need for the monitor so she offered to sell it to me which I jumped at the chance. Brand new these things are so expensive and I had been looking into them but wasnt sure if it would be worth it or now.

We had it for a while before we started using it as I wanted to wait until after we had been on holiday and things like that as it's a big commitment to get started on which i'll explain as I go on. I read the leaflet a million times and found it hard to get my head round and had to keep going back to my friend to make sure I had understood it properly, who would have though it would be so confusing lol.

I decided to start it at the beginning of October and it has to be started on the first day of your period and then it records how high your hormones are. The first couple of days I done it my fertility count was low but once my periods stopped and it was still showing low I got really uspet and cried for a good while thinking that it wasnt ever going to change and Lee even said if this is how upset it was going to make me he was going to stop me from doing it but it turned out I just had to be patient and over the course of the month it went from low to high and it even changed to peak for a couple of days so I was releived to know this month I was ovulating! It's went back to low now as it's nearing the end of my cycle now I understand that it doesnt upset me.

I said before its a big commitment what I mean by that is the test need to be done using the first pee of the day and you have a 3 hour window to do the test so every morning I have to get up early to make sure I remember to do the test and the machine takes what feels like a life time to register and caluclate the test. During the week it's not to bad cos I'm up for work but at the weekend man it sucks not being able to lie in! It's also hard especially when youve just woke up to remmeber to do it I guess now it's became part of my routine so it's not as bad as it was at the beginning

I've been told not to let the monitor consume my life which it hasnt and wont it's 10 mins of my life everyday to check what my levels are at and if it works then brilliant. I'm willing to give anything a go while waiting for our turn at IVF and if this is what it takes then so be it.

I'm up to date now with how the process is going so far so any blog after this will be mosty about how the monitor is going and about how im feeling about things. I hope it's making friends/family and even strangers understand my story a bit more and what its like to be me xx

**http://www.clearblue.com/uk/clearblue-fertility-monitor.php

Fertility Clinic: Third and Final Appointment

We didnt wait to long for our next appointment to come through and I was dreading it. I had no idea what they were going to say about all the tests we have had and it was anyones guess what the outcome was going to be. I also wasnt looking forward to seeing the doctor again he was horrible and I just didnt feel any connection with him.

Thankfully this time Lee was able to go, he kinda had to anyway really as this was it we were eventually going to find out if there was no chance we would ever have children.

The day came and as usual made the drive to the hospital, checked in, sat and waited and again got myself all worked up (you would think by now I would just go with the flow). Our name got called and off we went into the room with idiot face doctor and this time there was an intern with him, I know they have to learn somewhere but I just hate the way they look at you.

In a way I was hoping the doctor was going to tell us something was wrong and they could fix it so there was a reason to all of this and a point to putting myself through all this emotional torture and physical pain but it wasn't to be it turns out my fallopian tubes are all open and ok and everything looks ok the only thing they found was some months I ovulate and some months I dont but he didnt have a reason for why this happens and he sent us on our way to just keep trying while waiting for our turn for IVF. I was a bit dissapointed that he wasnt going to do anymore for us but also a bit thankful I'd never have to see him again.

After this appointment I was full of mixed emotions really I mean we had been trying for the past 5 years and nothing was happening so how could he just send us away with nothing! I dont think I'll ever understand why we got fobbed off a few people suggested to get a second opinion but I never bothered I just took it to be he was the professional he must know what he was talking about.

So off we went from the hospital with no reason for why any of this was happening to us, I dropped Lee off at work and went home feeling quite empty not knowing what our future was going to be.

Fertility Clinic: Second Appointment

While we were waiting for our next appointment to come through I had found a few people who have been through the same situation as me, like I said in a previous blog it surprised me at how many people on my facebook friends list and on the army support groups have went through this. I got talking to a couple of the girls and it helped to hear how they got through it and their success stories. But nobody could have prepared me for this next test I was due to get!!

We got the appointment letter through and this one actually went into more depth about what to except and what I had to do to prepare for it. I was going for a hysterosalpingogram** The only down side was it had to be done either side of my period and with having irregular periods this was anybody's guess if I could make the appointment or not and also I was so upset to learn Lee wouldnt be around to go with me :( But my gran travelled up and stayed with me the night before so she could be there for me.

As the weeks lead up to my appointment day my periods were playing the usual game they do where they decided to be late and not show up and I was getting really nervous I would have to cancel my appointment as who knew if I would get another one quite quickly by pure luck about 5 days before my appintment they came and were gone just in time!!

The day came to go to the hospital and for anyone who knows me time keeping is not my forte so naturally I was running late and didnt count in that the whole world would be at the hospital that day and there was no parking spaces at all!! I drove round the entire hospital which felt like a million times and eventually found a space on the opposite side I needed to be and my poor gran can hardly walk was struggling to keep up. Eventually we got there with I think seconds to spare it was that close to the time I didnt even get a chance to sit in the waiting room and work myself up as soon as I signed in I got taken away, my gran waited in the waiting room.

The next part of this is going to seem like I'm making it up it was that strange but I can assure it is true!!

So I got taken through to what I can only describe as a changing room it was very small and narrow and there was chair and a shopping basket in this room (yes a shopping basket!!) The nurse told me to get changed and put my clothes into the basket so there I was in a hospital gown with my bum hanging out clutching a shopping basket looking like I'd escaped from the psychiatric ward and then I got called to go into the examination room.

This always puts the fear of god into me when you walk into a room and there is about 4 people all waiting for you. I got on the bed and the nurses explained what they were going to do and oh my god this was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life I'm not going to lie it was worse than any period cramps I've ever had I instantly burst into tears and was wishing Lee was with me. The nurse who was holding my hand was really nice and tried to calm me down. Thankfully the results came back ok and I was allowed to go and get changed. I remember walking by the other changing rooms and this poor girl was sat waiting to be called and she took one look at my mascara covered face and looked like she was about to run for the hills!!

For the rest of the day I felt really sore and uncomfortable and was glad to get my jammies on and relax. I hope I never have to get that test done again because it was just to much.

We now had to wait for our next appointment to come through to go back and discuss all of the tests to date and find out what our next step was.

* * A hysterosalpingogram, or HSG is an important test of female fertility potential. The HSG test is a radiology procedure usually done in the radiology department of a hospital or outpatient radiology facility.

• Radiographic contrast (dye) is injected into the uterine cavity through the vagina and cervix
• The uterine cavity fills with dye and if the fallopian tubes are open, dye fills the tubes and spills into the abdominal cavity

This shows whether the fallopian tubes are open or blocked and whether a blockage is at the junction of the tube and uterus (proximal) or at the other end of the tube (distal).

Fertility Clinic: First Appointment

The day came for our first ever appointment at the Royal Infirmary Fertility Clinic, as with the doctors appointment, I wasn't sure what to expect at this appointment as the letter never went into any details about what to expect so again I was pretty nervous and was thankful Lee got time off to come. I must say the army have been good with giving him time to come to the appointments which I was surprised about but I can't say anything bad about them this time.

As we drove to the hospital I was convinced they would say the dreaded words but Lee tried his best to reassure me they wouldn't. We parked the car and followed the directions to where the clinic was situated and I have to say they never thought it out very well when building the hospital I was shocked and a bit hurt to find the fertility clinic was right next to the maternity ward. I thought it was a bit insensitive.

So again we sat and waited building myself up fearing the unknown and then we got taken. It was a male doctor we seen and my first impression of him never changed during the whole time we went to see him I found him very abrupt and his attitude wasn't what I expected. He didn't seem that bothered about how I was feeling or how hard this whole thing was for me but then why would he care it wasn't happening to him, however I thought he could have approached the situation with a bit more sympathy and understanding.

More tests where done in this visit, more of me being mortified and uncomfortable but this was just the beginning of the tests. As for Lee being tested he had been twice to the hospital to do tests which where to be sent to this doctor and put in our file but they had been misplaced!

I was then passed to a nurse where she explained more to me. As she was in the middle of explaining things to us the doctor reappeared with news they had managed to find Lee's tests and it was then he mentioned IVF I didn't know what to say.

I was being sent away with 8 urine bottles and I had to take a sample once a week for 8 weeks and I had to freeze them until the last one and then I was to return them to the hospital. I thought that it seemed easy enough to do this but of course idiot me mucked it up lol. I was also told I'd get another letter to go back and get another test done in a few weeks time.

As soon as we got out of the hospital I burst into tears :( the doctor had said one word IVF and that was it I thought we have no chance now but even though my heart was broken and I had this mind frame I went home and the following week I started taking my urine samples however I mucked up the first week cos I couldn't remember if it was everyday or every week this is when Lee being a medic comes in handy and he was able to get me some spare bottles. We did laugh about having to put the filled bottles in the freezer it was then we came up with the idea to put them in another container to keep them secure.

8 weeks went in quite quickly so off back to the hospital with my frozen pee and again found it strange that nobody acknowledged I was there it was just a tub on the counter that they had to be out in and that was all off I went again to wait for my next appointment to come through.

Taking those first steps to admitting something was wrong

So our journey begins here.....

It took me a while to pluck up the courage to make that first doctors appointment to be honest I didn't want them to confirm my worst nightmare so I did keep putting it off until eventually I bit the bullet and made the call. I was very lucky to get an appointment with who has to be the best doctor I've ever been to Dr Trainer. He listened to everything I had to say and actually seemed to care about helping us and he put me at ease right away and even managed to fast track us to the fertility clinic at the Royal Infirmary but for now ill not go into that part of it.

So the day came that we had to go to the doctors I was so pleased Lee managed to get the morning off to come with me this is probably the first time I really needed him to support me instead of it being me supporting him which was a nice change. Sitting in the waiting room I was so unsure of what to expect at this appointment and I think by the time I got called I had worked myself up into that much of a frenzy but to my surprise it was a rather informal appointment where we explained everything about how long we had been trying for and all sorts of other questions which I found later on I would be repeating over and over again just to different people (doctors should really learn to read people's notes) so after everything was all out in the open we had arranged that I would go back the following week and get the first of many tests done and the doctor would write the letter to the clinic asking for us to be seen by one of the fertility specialists.

I returned the following week this time on my own as Lee couldn't get the time off work. This was the first test of many more to come I was mortified as the doctor and nurse got a good look at "the area" and also in agony as us ladies know its never a fun time getting "the area" examined. After that part was over the doctor advised we would not have to go back to see him but we would be getting an appointment through for the clinic but if I felt I needed someone to talk to I could go back and see him which was lovely knowing I had someone who didn't know me or could judge me to go and speak to.

During the waiting time for our appointment to the clinic we decided it would probably be a good idea to inform our family of what was going on, my mum mostly knew but we had to tell everyone else. Lee wasn't sure it was a good idea but I thought we could do with the extra support especially if we were going to hear bad news at the clinic and it helped me being able to speak openly about it again to people who this time knew me but still wouldn't judge me.

I think this was quite a hard thing for me to do was to openly admit to the people who I guess where in the group of "expectant people waiting on the news I was pregnant" that we were having problems and I really didn't know how they would react. Yes I'm aware it's my family and they shouldn't react in any other way but supportive but I really wasn't sure and to be honest I felt like I'd failed and let everyone down but as you can imagine everyone was supportive but then it would become apparent in time that nobody really understood what I was going through as nobody else had experienced any problems like this before and it would also become clear that nobody really knew how to approach me in this subject as they didn't know what to say.

I've used the phrase "judge me" a few times now. This is something I was worried a lot about and have kept quiet about our fertility issues because I was worried people would judge me. I know there are people out there who probably do have an opinion about it but I've decided that I'm not that bothered because the people who do have an opinion if they don't have the balls to say it direct to me then they can keep it to themselves cos I'm not interested. I think it's shocking in this day and age that the subject of infertility is still classed as a taboo subject.

Before we started our journey I wasn't aware of the amount of people who face the same nightmare that we are facing and I was surprised to find that a lot of my online army friends had been through the same. It is a lot of these stories that give me hope as most of them have turned out to be happy endings and this is what keeps me going in the hope that I will be one of these stories and our happy ending will come along soon.

And so it begins....

So I've been thinking of doing a blog for a while now of the journey my husband and I are on in our life at the moment but where so start? I figured the beginning would be the best place so here goes the beginning of what can only be describes as the future unknown......

My name is Mandy currently 27 years old working as a service adminstrator for a small company my Husband is Lee he is currently 26 years old and serves as an Infantryman in the British Army. Our story begins a way back in 2006 I was in a bit of a dead end relationship when out of the blue a text mesage came through on my phone asking me who I was, this is strange I thought so I casually text back saying something along the lines of you text me so who are you....after a few days/weeks of texts going back and forth I decided what did I have to lose but to meet up with this person who had been texting me. I'll never forget the day I drove to Glasgow as we had arranged to meet at George Square, reckoned the best place to meet someone I didnt know was in a busy central place. I was so nervous about what to expect but the moment my eyes seen this handsome young soldier walking towards my car dressed in a green long sleeved top and combat style trousers I just knew this would be the start of something special or I could have been totally wrong and it could have been the start of nothing who was to know how things would pan out.....

So here we are at the start of our journey finally got a face to put to the person who had been texting me and off we go to the cinema for our first "date". We went to see Borat and I remember sitting there not knowing whether to laugh or not and laughing when he did so I didnt look stupid, when I look back now he must have thought I was an idiot haha :) Once the film was over we made the long drive to Edinburgh where I would set foot in an Army Barracks for the very first time and to say I was crapping myself is an understatement!! I didnt know what to expect at all and it was as I imagined full of guys wandering about and soldiers in uniform guarding the gate and I was sure they wouldnt let me in as we had only just met but thankfully I was allowed through the gate and security and onto what would be the first night of the rest of our lives.

The next morning I had planned to take my neice out for the day and wasnt sure what woud happen with Lee. I was sure he wouldnt want to see me again but thankfully he had decided we would now become a couple and I was so happy :) From that day on we were inseperable, well as inseperable as you can be dating a soldier. We spent all the time we could together which at times was difficult as he couldnt drive at this time and had to make the journey from Edinburgh to Hamilton which consisted of a bus, two trains and either I collected him or he had to get another bus. It wasnt ideal but we managed. I often made the journey through to Edinburgh to spend weekends at camp which was always great fun and I do sometimes miss his room at the barracks.

So now we come to still the beginning of our journey but progressing nicely. Both of us still young not knowing what the future had in mind for us until I decided to pop the big question to Lee :) We had Valentines early this year as he was going to be away on exercise and I thought what better way to celebrate it by proposing needless to say I was a bag of nerves not knowing if this is what he wanted or if he would say no but thankfully I was worrying over nothing as he said yes!! We were engaged for a while before we got the dreaded news that he was going to be going on tour and this is when I knew our journey together would be pushed to its limits and we would be tested to the extremes but as I thought we got through one of the hardest times in our life and we got through it together. It was I'd say during this time I started to think about trying for a baby I think it was the not knowing if he would come home as horrible as that sounds but being in that kind of situation you do think about these kind of things. So yeah we started unofficially trying soon after that and I say unofficially as I had never been on contraception during our relationship so far and nothing had happened and in the back of my mind alarm bells were ringing then but I never paid attention to them.

Time went on and we got married, moved to married quarters and proceeded to live our lives together. After the first year of being married I knew everyone was expecting the pitter patter of tiny feet because isnt that what "normally" happens? It was round about this time I started getting really worried that something maybe wasnt working as it should. And this is when our journey really begins......