Cycle 2 - A Complete Mystery!

What a weird cycle it has been! I don't even know if it's complete or not it's been so bizarre, completely different to Cycle 1. With Cycle 1 I felt I knew what was happening and it seemed to go quite smoothly but from the word go Cycle 2 has been inconsistent and plain odd. According to the monitor I never ovulated this month which is possible and to be honest constantly seeing 2 bars on the monitor was beginning to annoy me it was like a constant reminder that my body doesn't work as it should. 
Last Cycle the monitor was clear with its instructions and told me when my next period was due which was great as before I never knew when they would appear but this morning when I woke up it was as it used to be a total surprise that my period was here. I am totally confused by it all and I'm starting to think about not doing it again not only is it costing money to keep buying tests and constantly having to remember to pee on a stick first thing in the morning which is taking its toll on my sleep pattern (I miss my long lies at the weekend LOL) but it's not that it's taking over my life because it isn't but it is a lot to keep it up and I honestly think it's purpose is better for someone that doesn't have fertility issues but wants to track when they are most fertile as opposed to some one like me who does have issues with fertility.  I don't need a constant reminder that I'm not ovulating it's hard enough to deal with just knowing that without seeing it as well.

I mention a lot in my posts about the support or lack of support I have from people. I do appreciate everyone has an opinion about my blog and what we are going through and not everyone understands or anything but I'm finding it harder and harder to bite my tongue with people who are just oblivious to what they say having an impact on my feelings. I always find it's people who have children and who have no idea what I'm going through that have the most opinions about it. If the whole reason why I've not fell pregnant was down to me not relaxing enough I don't think the doctors would have put us up for getting IVF so telling me to relax and it'll happen doesn't sit well with me. If it was that bloody simple I'm sure it would have worked by now after all it has been 5 years and I've not been stressed out or un-relaxed in all that time so I'm pretty sure there's a bit more behind it than relaxing.

With that being said we received another letter, or rather novel, from the hospital this week the envelope was HUGE! It turns out we have yet more forms to fill out, I swear I've filled in the same form about 10 times now. There is also a whole load of consent forms and a form which kind of threw me off a bit I found it a bit insensitive in a way that I have to fill in a psychological assessment form to determine whether I am capable of harming a child I may never have.  I understand its protocol and what have you but it just kind of made me think it's a bit cruel because I may never have a child. 

There was also a lot more information in this pack with what to expect and it went into depth about the whole IVF procedure and I have to say I wish I hadn't read it, it sounds horrendous the things I'm going to have to go through and I will be honest and say I doubted whether or not I'm ready for this physically and emotionally. I'm already an emotional type of person, wear my heart on my sleeve, but the process that I'm going to be going through is hard core. I'm going to need all the support I can get. Which is one thing I'm worried that I wont get. I know my immediate family and obviously Lee will support me completely but I'm so worried about being open with my work place about it. My boss isn't the most compassionate of  people and nobody apart from one person knows anything about our problems mostly due to the fact I like to keep my personal life to myself but there will come a time where I need a few days off work so I have to tell them sometime. I'll cross that bridge soon I guess, what's the worst that can happen??
The one good thing about it now is they offer a counselling service which is what I had talked about in one of my first blogs, I think now as we go further on with our journey the support from the hospital improves which is a good thing its always nice to talk to an outsider who doesn't know you or can judge you.

So we have our first appointment in December, few weeks away, it said we will get some tests done to test for Hep B, Hep C and Aids and then they will discuss our options so hopefully we will know more about what's going to happen over the next few months. 

Even after all is said and done we still have another mountain in our way to get over, Lee is due to go to Afghanistan in April for 7 months and it's constantly hanging over us, he really wants to wait until he is back to begin IVF as he wants to be here which is understandable but for me I just want to get it started. 7 months is a long time to wait to see if the one thing you want most in the world is going to happen or not. Then again it's not up to us it'll be down to the doctor so for the moment we are just going to wait and see what they say at our appointment. Unfortunately Lee has to go he can't stay behind so if we have to wait then we have to wait i'll just need to deal with it, like everything else I guess xx

Another Step Closer......

This week has been one of the happier weeks in our journey. Got home from work on Wednesday to find a letter from the hospital on the doormat. To be honest as silly as it may be I wasn't sure what it was for and it never even entered my mind it would be anything to do with our journey. Without thinking to much I opened the letter and instantly burst into tears, happy tears I must add. It was official we were at the top of the waiting list and they have given us a date when treatment should start :) The first thing I did was phone Lee and give him the good news, I think he was as shocked as me as we were always told we would have to wait up to two years. I so wish he could have been home to share the good news in person as I dont think I've ever needed a cuddle so badly in my life. I just couldn't beleive that we were that step closer to our dream and the fact it was actually going to happen, we are actually going to get help!

I couldn't wait to tell people about it and most people were really pleased for us but it did surprise me that some people had not negative but not exactly happy comments about it either. Some of the comments were like "dont get your hopes up just now" and "oh I know someone who went through it and it's not going to be easy" which I thought yeah fair enough have that opinion but dont voice it to me! I'm excited and looking forward to the unknown. I'm well aware it might not work and it could all come crashing down but for this moment I'm going to allow myself to be happy and have that small bit of hope that someday soon I might become a mummy. As for it being difficult I'm well aware that when it comes around it's going to be a really emotionally and physically trying time for both me and Lee and I probably wont ever be prepared for whats going to happen to me but I know as long as I have Lee by my side we will get through it together and with the support of my family and few close friends I won't struggle to much.

People are probably wondering why I'm so excited about it and that it's not that big a deal to them but to me it's what I've been waiting on, I knew we were on the list but this is the reassurance that our time is coming and it's coming soon and it has made me happier than I've been in a long time :)

So aside from my great news Cycle 2 already is totally different from cycle 1 I'm on day 11 of my cycle and the monitor has only asked me for 2 tests so far and my fertility is still low but I'm not getting myself to upset about it yet. I think I learned from last time not to get to ahead of myself and just take it as it comes.