So our journey begins here.....
It took me a while to pluck up the courage to make that first doctors appointment to be honest I didn't want them to confirm my worst nightmare so I did keep putting it off until eventually I bit the bullet and made the call. I was very lucky to get an appointment with who has to be the best doctor I've ever been to Dr Trainer. He listened to everything I had to say and actually seemed to care about helping us and he put me at ease right away and even managed to fast track us to the fertility clinic at the Royal Infirmary but for now ill not go into that part of it.
So the day came that we had to go to the doctors I was so pleased Lee managed to get the morning off to come with me this is probably the first time I really needed him to support me instead of it being me supporting him which was a nice change. Sitting in the waiting room I was so unsure of what to expect at this appointment and I think by the time I got called I had worked myself up into that much of a frenzy but to my surprise it was a rather informal appointment where we explained everything about how long we had been trying for and all sorts of other questions which I found later on I would be repeating over and over again just to different people (doctors should really learn to read people's notes) so after everything was all out in the open we had arranged that I would go back the following week and get the first of many tests done and the doctor would write the letter to the clinic asking for us to be seen by one of the fertility specialists.
I returned the following week this time on my own as Lee couldn't get the time off work. This was the first test of many more to come I was mortified as the doctor and nurse got a good look at "the area" and also in agony as us ladies know its never a fun time getting "the area" examined. After that part was over the doctor advised we would not have to go back to see him but we would be getting an appointment through for the clinic but if I felt I needed someone to talk to I could go back and see him which was lovely knowing I had someone who didn't know me or could judge me to go and speak to.
During the waiting time for our appointment to the clinic we decided it would probably be a good idea to inform our family of what was going on, my mum mostly knew but we had to tell everyone else. Lee wasn't sure it was a good idea but I thought we could do with the extra support especially if we were going to hear bad news at the clinic and it helped me being able to speak openly about it again to people who this time knew me but still wouldn't judge me.
I think this was quite a hard thing for me to do was to openly admit to the people who I guess where in the group of "expectant people waiting on the news I was pregnant" that we were having problems and I really didn't know how they would react. Yes I'm aware it's my family and they shouldn't react in any other way but supportive but I really wasn't sure and to be honest I felt like I'd failed and let everyone down but as you can imagine everyone was supportive but then it would become apparent in time that nobody really understood what I was going through as nobody else had experienced any problems like this before and it would also become clear that nobody really knew how to approach me in this subject as they didn't know what to say.
I've used the phrase "judge me" a few times now. This is something I was worried a lot about and have kept quiet about our fertility issues because I was worried people would judge me. I know there are people out there who probably do have an opinion about it but I've decided that I'm not that bothered because the people who do have an opinion if they don't have the balls to say it direct to me then they can keep it to themselves cos I'm not interested. I think it's shocking in this day and age that the subject of infertility is still classed as a taboo subject.
Before we started our journey I wasn't aware of the amount of people who face the same nightmare that we are facing and I was surprised to find that a lot of my online army friends had been through the same. It is a lot of these stories that give me hope as most of them have turned out to be happy endings and this is what keeps me going in the hope that I will be one of these stories and our happy ending will come along soon.
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