Anxiety in Pregnancy

While waiting for my next update/scan at 20 weeks I thought I'd do an entry on how I've been dealing with anxiety during pregnancy which has had a major role in it so far and I have to say it's worse than any other symptom in my opinion........

I'm a natural worrier, I've spent most of my life being worried about something or other and I've always struggled with anxiety issues whether it be going to the shops on my own or finding myself in new situations and not knowing how to deal with it. Whenever I have to go to the supermarket on my own I always end up calling my mum to talk to me while I go around getting the things I need and if she's not in or busy I can feel myself starting to panic and wondering how I'm going to get round the shop and back to the car.

To most people this will seem completely irrational and probably extremely stupid but to me it's not to me in that moment and time it's the worst thing that could be happening to me. I'm not sure where it's come from or how or when it even started but it has played a massive part in my life for a long time.

I never ever expected it to be able to get worse but so far this pregnancy it has and it has not been the best of times for me as a person or as a couple. It's actually gotten really bad at times where I can't force myself to get out of bed in fear that the scenario I have played out in my head a million times is going to actually happen and when it consumes me that much I can't stop myself from falling into a big black hole of dread and I just don't want to be near anyone or have to speak to anyone pretending I'm ok because I'm not and I can't hide it and to prevent myself from having to explain myself I just hide away and let it take over me until eventually I can think rationally and bring myself out of it.

People will probably be surprised to read this as I feel I hide it well but my husband has had to put up with alot no matter how much he tries to bring me out of it he can't all he can do is hold me during my crying stages and leave me alone during the rest of it he can't stand it when it gets bad and I'm not sure he fully understands it but he has been there for me as much as he can which I'm grateful for.

I've been speaking to my midwife over the past few appointments and she finally transferred me to a GP to discuss things with him, to be honest I didn't really like him I felt he was laughing at me and not really understanding you could tell he has never felt anxious about anything in his life. He has referred me to a counsellor and gave me websites for self help but they haven't been much use I know I can't self help because when I'm at my worst there is not enough rational reasoning to stop it taking over me.

Apparently it's very normal to have worries and fears during pregnancy and for me I know it's heightened because of how far we have came to get to this stage and my fear is something is going to take it from me and there won't be anything I can do to stop it. The rational part of me asks well why would something happen and then the irrational side has a million  responses ready and waiting because I've acted out every scenario possible in my head a million times over. The worst one was that I'd convinced myself it was all over and my baby had just stopped growing and that was me convinced until we got the doppler out and heard the heart beat and a private scan later confirmed everything was indeed ok and I was just being completely irrational.

The things I've learnt though from being like this and going through these feelings is talk to people tell them how your feeling they may not have anything to say that will help you but they can at least try if they know how tough things are. And if need be get those extra scans because sometimes seeing your baby on a screen is the only thing to put your anxiety at bay even if it's just for a short time. However if your anxiety gets the better of you and your convinced something is wrong phone the midwife and see if they will check you over. You shouldn't go through this time feeling like this alone. I've also learnt that counting down days until your next scan or midwife appointment helps to. I break it down into smaller chunks and that in itself can ease my anxious state sometimes.

I have more good days than bad I don't spend every day feeling fearful and panicky there is days where i can just get on with it and consumed with happiness that in 4 months time I'm going to have my very own baby in my arms and I just can't wait <3 xx