So it's hard to believe Katie is 9 weeks old on Thursday. Time is just flying in and she is getting so big now weighing 9lb 12oz and her wee personality is starting to shine through.
I'll start from the beginning well from when she was born. So we had to stay in hospital for one night and I will admit this was so over whelming and daunting to me I just didn't know what I was supposed to do with her so I literally just sat and looked at her for hours. When it came to feeding I felt so alone, they just presumed I would be breast feeding not once did anyone ask me so there I was sat in my cubicle with not a clue how I was going to do this it took me all my time to press the button for someone to come and help me and finally I did and I got some help but from then on it just wasn't an easy task.
Once we got home it was non stop for two whole weeks it actually got to much with people coming and going and I felt like we never got a chance to just stop, take it all in and be a family. As much as I appreciated all the people wanting to meet her and see her and hold her I would have liked to have just had some time for myself to heal and feel better and get used to having a baby in the house. The minute I got home from hospital I had to slap on a smile even though I was in agony and just wanted to lie down.
The god send was having my mum there to help out she was amazing making sure the house was tidy and the washings were done and the furbabies were looked after I always said I wouldn't want anyone there for more than a day but I could never have done it on my own so I'm glad she stuck around for a while and Lee and I will always be grateful for the support.
After having a baby comes the massive amounts of hormones and the baby blues, it does happen when you think you should be full of joy and happiness that's not always the case. I found it really hard adjusting to this new life, I was constantly putting myself down and worrying I wasn't doing this right and to be honest I think what made it a million times worse was the pressure I was under to continue breast feeding. It got to the point where I hated it, I dreaded feeding my baby because I knew it was going to hurt, I couldn't find a comfortable position, she would loose latch and I would just get so upset and angry at myself I cried so much about it. We finally started to combi feed but still when it came to me feeding her I just didn't want to do it. I ended up calling the health visitor out to try and help me but she couldn't really all I was advised was to go to a support group but that just isn't me I don't do groups never mind boob groups! So I persevered and kept trying and at times where it worked and it was ok I did enjoy that time with Katie just the two of us but those times where few and far between most of the time it was just to sore. It got to about 5 weeks and I decided that I couldn't do it anymore it wasn't healthy for me to feel this way and at the end of the day formula wasn't going to do her any harm! And I was so much happier and felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I think it's shocking the pressure woman are put under to breast feed and how if you formula feed your made out to be a bad mum. A good friend said to me breast isn't best, whatever is good for the mum is best cos if she is happy then the baby will be happy and I fully agree with that statement. Good for you if you breatfeed and manage to do it for years and years but people shouldn't make other people feel bad because they don't do it. There could be a number of reasons why people don't do it at least I tried and I know I gave Katie the best I could for as long as I could and just because I stopped doesn't mean she will grow up being less clever than a child who has been breast feed.
Once we established how we were feeding her things improved greatly, the health visitor seemed happy with her progress and she was putting on weight well so now we won't see her until February when the fun part of weaning starts :)
We also decided not to use cloth nappies as the whole process is just very hard to understand and very time consuming as well. We did try to use them a couple of times but she soaked right through within half an hour and I just couldn't cope with the added stress of it as well as having a new born baby. Again on the same par with breast feeding I find it shocking how "cloth mums" speak about "sposie mums" the world of parenting is so judgemental it's unreal.
As I said at the start Lee has been away a lot and it has just been the two of us and at times I've found it really hard especially at night time it's when my anxiety seems to come out more. For a long time I was still sleeping with one hand on her chest and even then I still found it hard to settle. But now she's in her big girls cot in our room and even though I still check on her loads during the night I'm starting to relax a little bit more now, I think it panics me because due to my hearing loss I can't hear her breathing whereas when Lee is here all I need to do is ask him if he can hear her and he can which reassures me right away.
What I have learned is that every day is different from the last and you are constantly learning new things about your baby and at times it can be the hardest thing in the world to do especially when you are on your own. I know I am to hard on myself and I constantly put myself down and worry and panic that I'm not good enough to be her mum and I'm doing this wrong but in time I'll be able to look back and see that in fact I done a great job and I done the best that I could for Katie. Nobody said mother hood was going to be easy and my god it sure isn't but it is so rewarding and after everything we have been through to get her I intend to enjoy every second I have with her, I may moan about being tired, I may not get to sleep until 5am, I may stink of baby sick and not get to eat until gone 2pm but I would never change it for the world. I love being a mum and if anyone ever has anything negative to say about my choices or how I raise Katie they are welcome to keep their opinion to theirselves. At the end of the day she is our daughter and what we decide is for the best for Katie.
The only down side about it all is most of the time I am going to be a single parent, I will have to play mum and dad and I will have to explain to her why daddy isn't home but that's the life of an army family. It sucks and Lee finds it so hard to walk out the door but he does knowing that we are here waiting for him to come home to us and he knows that Katie will always have a mummy who loves every fibre of her being and I will do what I can to make sure she knows we both love her and will do anything for her.
The only advise I can give to first time mums is don't be to hard on yourself, you are doing great! And it maye be tough at times but it will get easier.
Well I think that's me done for this entry I probably will come back to my blog maybe once Katie is a year old and give you all an update on how the year has been and where we are at that time. I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their support over the past 2 years and for reading my blog and coming on this journey with us. I still can't quite believe how it has all turned out! I wish all my readers the very best for whatever journey you are going through and I hope reading our story has helped you in some way.
Lots of love Mandy, Lee & Katie xxx
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