Can't believe it's been a year (well just over) since I last updated my blog! What can I say it has been the most quickest, craziest, challenging, memory filled, emotional, amazing year.
Katie Lillian Hill - Birth to A Year xx (volume recommended)
So the last time I wrote anything Katie was 9 weeks old, she is now just coming up for 14 months and she has changed into the most adorable little girl full of attitude and personality.
Over the past few weeks she has become more confident with her walking it's so bizarre to see this once little vulnerable baby now running around my living room as if shes always been able to do it! With the confidence of walking comes the joyful confidence to climb! She has no fear at all and can climb up onto the couch with ease, we have had a fair few heart in mouth moments and grabbing any limb we can before she rolls off the couch as she just throws herself! She really is a bit of a live wire and come bed time this mummy is exhausted, she really does keep me on my toes.
The past year has been filled with so many amazing moments and memories of Katie but I'm not going to pretend that there hasn't been an equal amount if not more difficult times as well because there has and at times I've thought 'I can't do this'. I've always been brutally honest in my blog posts and that won't change now.
Being a parent is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Just like 7 years ago I was naive to think my body would do as it was supposed to and give me children easy and it didn't, again I naively thought being a mum would come naturally to me but when it didn't this hit me hard. I had an image in my head of how motherhood would be and of course it was all sunshine and rainbows and perfect in there but in reality it wasn't like that. Many times I was reduced to tears because I thought how can I do this, am I doing this right and constantly seeking approval and praise from anyone who would give me it. I think most part was the lack of sleep and getting used to being responsible for this tiny vulnerable human being and for the best part doing it on my own as Lee was away a lot and I didn't have that support net to fall back on to ask questions to and to assure me that my decision on whatever was the right one and even when he was home he was just as scared as me and his usual response was 'does it say that in the book' 'ask the midwife' 'ask someone whose had a baby' 'ask your mum' so I think he was scared to say yes or no in case he got it wrong as well.
Over time I gained confidence in doing what I was doing and became positive my decisions on how to do things where the right ones and now when I look at how much Katie has came on and how clever she is then I know everything I did or didn't do was the best for her and nothing I have done has had a negative effect on her. She is healthy, very much loved by everyone who meets her and blossoms more and more into such an awesome little girl everyday, don't get me wrong she can throw a tantrum as well as the next toddler and can be a handful some times especially when you tell her no lol but other than that we have been extremely lucky as she has been such a good baby and I am so proud and grateful to call her my daughter.
With all that said and done my little bit of advice to those mum's who have had to wait that extra bit longer to get their miracle don't be afraid to say that your struggling or finding things hard. Just because we are made to feel that we can't complain or can't show that the one thing we have always dreamt of is actually really hard to come to terms with and cope with sometimes then I'm sorry but at the end of the day we are human and as perfect as we have always thought motherhood to be it also comes with its hardships and bumps in the road. Don't struggle in silence because it'll only make it worse, if there is help there reach out and take it, this won't make you a bad parent but a good one to admit and see your needing a little bit of help.
In terms of how becoming a parent affects your relationship, in most people's relationship it may not change anything but unfortunately it has for me. I always thought it would bring us closer together but we couldn't be further apart unless we separated. We don't have much time for each other anymore and date nights are non existent now unless Katie is away for a sleepover at her granny's and even then it's touch and go. So another little piece of advice from me is please make time for each other just because you've became a mother that is not what defines you as a person. Underneath the mummy person you are still you and you deserve to be treated like that regardless.
So now I think I'm as up to date as I can be I think this will be my last blog entry as our journey is now at it's end and what a long journey with an unexpected ending it has been. When I started this all those years ago I never once thought it would have this outcome but like this journey we have yet another twist in the tale and one I just still can't quite come to terms with and I'm not sure I will........before I end let me fill you in.......
After having Katie I then had the big decision of what contraceptive to go on, bearing in mind I hadn't been taking anything for 10 years so this was such a difficult choice to make as I wasn't sure what one would be for the best. So with advice (crap advice at that) from the practise nurse I decided to get the implant however instead of the nurse waiting for my first period to arrive from having Katie she decided to just go for it and I think that's where it all went wrong really. Soon after getting it I bled every single day and it was taking it's toll big time on me, I ended up going back to ask to get it removed but they wouldn't as they said I need to give it time so while it was settling in they also gave me the mini pill to take everyday alongside having the implant in and to me that was just to much hormones being put into my body, I was a wreck crying all the time and angry at everything it was a horrible few months. Finally we moved areas and the first thing I did was make an appointment to get it removed and thankfully they never questioned it and it was eventually removed and I stopped taking the pill to give my body a break.
Shortly after this I began to feel really poorly and run down and generally just crap and I don't know what it was that made me want to check but I took a pregnancy test and to my shock it came back positive, obviously it took 5 more tests for me to even grasp what was happening and even now I'm almost 24 weeks and expecting another little girl I still find it hard to understand after everything we have gone through I've now managed to be pregnant again!
I'm under no illusion that the future isn't going to be tough having a newborn and a toddler and my husband is due to deploy and is going to miss the birth and the first month of the babies life but I'm sure with the help and support from my family and my in laws we will get there :)
Thanks again for all your support over the years and I hope you all get your miracles soon. Never give up hope.
Love Mandy, Lee, Katie and Peanut xxx
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