I was hoping I would never have to compose this post but here we are :(
Today we had our appointment at the hospital as we had came to the end of our two week wait and now we were due to get a blood test to find out if everything we had been through the past few months had worked. As usual we got up early and to our surprise there was no traffic it was really quite strange. When we got to the hospital it was alot busier then usual and we had to wait 45 mins before finally our name was called.
Off we went into the room and the first thing the nurse had said was that none of the embryos left over and survived so we had no back up embryos frozen this came as a blow as the embryologist had seemed so confident at our last appointment. She then went on to say that there could be 3 outcomes from the blood test. The first being positive which would mean yay it's worked the second was the levels could come back low and if this was the case we would have to return in a week for another blood test and the third would be a big fat negative which means end of the line.
So she took my blood for the final time and advised us to call in at half past 12 for the results. We left the hospital and decided to go out for breakfast to pass some time and then we went home and waited. It seemed to take a life time for it to be half 12 and then it finally came. Lee called as I couldn't bear it but the results weren't back yet and we had to call back in half an hour. The dog had to be dropped off at the groomers so we decided to go and do this and then go back home and try again. Again lee called and they still weren't back yet so the nurse took our number and said they would call us when they got the results. Typical Lee had to go into work for a wee while so off he went and I was left on my own waiting on the call. Time seemed to stand still. I tried to go for a nap but sleep never came, I read my book but I couldn't concentrate on the words I scoured Facebook but nothing anyone was saying even registered and finally the phone rang............
All I heard the nurse say was negative and it took me all my power to hold back the tears but I couldn't they just poured down my cheeks before I could stop them. The nurse asked if I wanted her to schedule another appointment I said no and quickly hung up and as soon as the phone was down the noise that came out of my mouth was nothing I'd ever heard before. I could feel my heart rip in two and I continued to sob uncontrollably. I've never felt pain like this in my life. I had to text lee to come home as I couldn't find it in me to call him. He came as soon as he could and in between times when I had managed to stop the tears I called my mum but even still I couldn't stop the tears flowing. As soon as lee walked in the door it started again. I eventually managed to control myself as we had to go and pick the dog up from the groomers it was the worst 10 minutes ever I just wanted to be back home and hide in the house and not see people.
I've had moments tonight where I'm ok and I forget its happened and then it just comes back like a big wave strangling me and I can't hold back the hurt and anger and I just sob great big heart breaking sobs. I don't understand why this has happened to us, I don't get why we didn't have a happy ending and I hate the world for not giving us the one thing we have yearned for. But mostly I hate myself I will never get over this I have nothing but blame for myself surely it was me I've done something wrong. I shouldn't have hoovered that one time, I shouldn't have gone back to work so soon after he was placed. I know everyone says its not my fault Mother Nature is just a bitch but I have to blame someone and it was me who was carrying our poppet so surely it must have been me who killed him :(
I can't even face going to the toilet seeing me bleeding is like a constant slap on the face it killed me to have to go and buy sanitary towels today when I was supposed to be buying a baby grow. I had said to Lee if it worked I wanted to go and buy his first bit of clothes but it seems ill never get that chance.
It's hard to say how I feel it's just a kind of numb empty feeling, a massive hole where our poppet was and it's the worst feeling in the world.
I'm lying here in bed typing this and I just want to scream. Lee has fallen asleep it's been a long day for both of us he's tired from holding back the tears and trying to be strong for me. It hurts that he can't cry because he thinks this is showing he isn't strong in front of me but he is strong he's been my rock today holding me every time I cry, giving me space when I need it and just being the amazing husband and best friend he has always been.
One day we will get by this I don't know when or how but we will. It's going to be so hard to say goodbye to him when he deploys but ill need to be strong and when he comes back we will start this journey all over again but for just now it's on hold. My body needs a break from drugs and scans for a while and I need to find myself and give myself time to grieve the baby I will never meet.
I fell in love the minute I saw our poppet on the screen and he will always have a special place in my heart and if we ever do become parents ill tell his brother or sister all about him. He is one special wee guy and he done a lot just to get to the stage he did I'm just so sorry he couldn't hang in there for us to meet him. I love you poppet and I always will xxxxx
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